Protecting their roots

This year is really stretching my parenting muscles, as my oldest is now eleven. I find it hard to navigate his lived experience with him, as childhood has amplified, as far as I can see.

Children are growing up faster.
Exposed to infinite amounts of knowledge much earlier than I ever was.
Technology is glued to their every day.

Kids are still making mistakes,
but now it's captured on cell phones.
Posted to social media.
Repeated when they don't learn from their mistakes.

Friendships aren't enough to satisfy.
Children yearn for followers.
Online gaming communities.
The social thumbs up.

It's an incredibly fast-paced world for little brains.
More often than not, it's too fast for mine.

And I think to myself,
if cell phone and social media streams can suck the life out of me some days,
bait me with nonsense and trolls,
leave me feeling more worried and angry than before I scrolled,
why on earth would I allow my son to navigate it, now?

Why would I permit 24/7 access to a world of overwhelm?
I've come to feel very strongly otherwise.
It's not yet time to plug in.

He needs family dinners.
Snuggles on the couch.
Time to read, play lego and shoot hoops in the driveway.
Teamwork and leadership at hockey.
Freedom to navigate the library.
Hours spent in nature.

He does not yet need to plug in to a hurting world.

Sample it, sure...

Let's discuss politics.
Trauma.
Death.
Cancer.

Let's explore ethics.
Injustice.
Addiction.
Homelessness.
Sexuality.

Let's learn about mindfulness.
Love.
Peace.
Religion.
Friendship.
Family.

But I've come to believe that my children deserve time to grow.
Engage their own experiences.
Observe life.
Explore.
Before plugging in.

I believe that my children have the right to explore their personal boundaries.
Find their own passions.
Think critically.
Learn.
Before plugging in.

I believe that my children need time to relax without technology.
Play without structure.
Worry less.
Love.
Before plugging in.

I want my son, and all my children, to feel grounded in themselves.
Content to be exactly who they are.
Able to observe the motives of others.
Free to make peaceful choices.
Connected to nature.
Full of faith.

I want them to grow roots in life's natural experience. 

So for now, they won't be plugging in.
There will be no cell phones.
No social media.
Only moderated gaming, tablet use and internet search.

They'll sample it all, absolutely.
We'll discuss, explore and learn.
But they will not plug in.
Not yet.

For now, I'm protecting their roots.

Riding the wave

My anxious thoughts are at an all-year high, right now. I've been riding a wave of some pretty intense feelings.

Anger.
Disappointment.
Exhaustion.
Fear.
Worry.
Sadness.
Grief.

I've been feeling as though I need to make some significant changes in my life. I feel like I am circling this place where I try hard to 'do what's right', it drains me, I get overwhelmed and burn out, then I do it all over again.

My husband mentioned I've slipped away from my meditation practice.
A friend noticed I worry and check in more on my friends than many do on me.
My mom said to stop the chatter in my brain, as best I can.

Noted.


Yet I am still here, wondering about the root of it all.
Why am I feeling so unsettled?

I reach for gratitude.
I have so much to be thankful for.

I lean on love.
My husband and family are 100% holding me up.

I pray.
For patience, peace and so much more.

Yet still, I struggle.
So badly right now, I am struggling.

I love very deeply.
I think very deeply.
I hurt very deeply.

Right now I am so deeply unsettled.

Sometimes, I've noticed, there is no answer.
Only the wave.
Perhaps time.
A return to self-care
Or even some serious sleep to settle me down.

Just know that if you are feeling this way, I am too.
And our mental health matters.
So keep riding the wave.
I'll do the same.

Calm will come soon.
xo


 

The perfect summer of unbusy

This summer I've realized how often I was sitting on the sidelines of life.

Waiting for the perfect moment.

The perfect body.

The perfect amount of energy.

The perfect time.

I think sometimes I fell into a cycle of unworthiness in my own head.

Crazy how powerful our minds are.

I wasn't skinny enough.

Strong enough.

Fun enough.

Its not what moms say.

Or do.

Or what my friends say, or do.

Others are better at it than me.

Look better than me.

Should be doing those things, not me.

And this summer the cycle is slowly breaking wide open.

The amount of downtime our family has had so far is unprecedented.

We swim daily, sometimes two or three times in a day.

We have lazy mornings.

Time to read.

Less to do.

More time to just be, together.

It's helped me realize that perfect is now.

Right now.

That embracing life for exactly what it is now, is brilliant.

And gratitude overwhelms for all the right reasons.

Sometimes we are busy. 

But right now, not so much.

And the gift of unbusy is just as special, perhaps even more so, than the gift of busy.

I'm realizing that unbusy is not lazy.

Its absolutely not.

It's a gift.

The flow of life.

The calm before life's next storm.

It's perfect.

And I'm not going to sit on the sidelines and miss another opportunity to embrace it.

I'm going to be the only mom in the pool.

The mom who models a love of reading.

The mom who doesn't feel guilty when dinner is grilled cheese and apples.

The woman who throws down a brilliant cannonball because she has nearly 30 years of practice in the same pool.

The woman who thinks less about her every move, and lives more fully.

The women who is done worrying about how she looks in a dang bathing suit.

Seriously done worrying about it.

A woman who loves harder by doing.

Who embraces unbusy.

Who rides this summer wave with gratitude.

Because it won't be long until the heat is gone.

The mom taxi is back in action.

Work becomes overwhelming.

And a new wave, called busy, calls me to change my stance and find new reasons to be happy.

All over again <3

 

#gratitude #summertime #lifelessons #unbusy



Photo courtesy @becomingunbusy: https://www.facebook.com/BecomingUnbusy/



 

Bloom

I think it's time for me to share this with you;

You weren't meant for that journey.
As much as it hurts.
As much as you were left behind.
As much as you stand to the side, watching the game wondering why you weren't chosen to play.

You have been planted elsewhere.

Please know this;
Your trajectory is different.
Your destination, my goodness my dear, it's so far and beyond anything you ever dreamed possible.

So while right now,
today,
you feel forgotten about.

Bruised.
Unwanted.

The world has got your back.
I've got your back.
And we must trust, hand in hand, that life has bigger, better plans for you.

You will rise.

Shine.
Bloom.

 Exactly where you were planted.

A day in the life of a food allergy family

On Sunday we visited Toronto for the day as a family. It went like this...

Transportation: Discussion about the choice of train vs driving in the event of an allergic reaction; what are the logistics of being in Toronto without our van, should Ethan end up at the hospital?

At breakfast: Was that dairy butter knife clean when placed in the jar of peanut butter? Yes. Am I sure? Yes. Perfect, no cross contamination risk. Don't forget to wash hands after handing Nolan the milk container, before emptying the dishwasher, to avoid contamination. Don't forget to put the milk back opposite Ethan's favourite apple juice boxes and apple sauce.

After breakfast: Snacks to pack... what will make Ethan feel special if he cannot safely eat in Toronto? What can I bring that is nutritious in case he doesn't feel safe eating lunch while there? Epi-pens packed, check again. And again. Discuss food alternatives with Ethan, inquire how he's feeling about the trip.

The train ride up: Who sat there before? What did they eat? Remind Ethan not to put his hands in his mouth. (The train ride back... same)

At the aquarium: Ethan touches every button in the place, and I wonder if he'll break out in hives. Also wonder how the heck he can be so joyous on the playground when all I see are toddlers with goldfish crackers in one hand and the stairs railing in the other. Promise myself not to let my anxious thoughts ruin his perfect childhood bliss.

Safely eating at the Rogers Centre

Food: Two phone calls to Aramark at the Rogers Centre to find out about food ingredients in hopes Ethan had a safe choice. Relief that he did. Fear of cross contamination. Waiting in line (too long, always) only to slow it down more by asking for a manager to re-review Ethan's meal plan and view the ingredients list right on the product packaging. Snap a photo in case. Ethan receives chicken tenders, apple juice and kettle chips. Cloud nine. Jay and I ask him at least twice each if he feels ok. Proceed to eat pizza slice, worry about contaminating knapkins, drinks or Ethan's food with my fingers.

In our seats at the Blue Jay's game: Brookie and I have ice cream, sit with a gap seat to 'protect' Ethan. Feel guilty he can't enjoy a treat as nothing is safe on the menu. Offer candy, after finishing ice cream and cleaning hands. Joke with Ethan that now I cannot kiss him with ice cream mouth, but truly wonder how long I have to wait to kiss my own kid. Neighbouring kid sits down with ice cream beside Ethan and I pray it won't drop on his lap.

Back in the van: THANK GOD. Relief sitting back in our van. Deep relief. Safe space. Exhale.

At home: Quick meal of leftovers. Wished we could have stopped for food but know that would have created more anxious thoughts and risk for Ethan. Oh... school trip money is due. Sit down to pay, review another school activity which includes food that Ethan cannot safely eat. Feel angry that he cannot participate as other kids can. Is this how disability feels? He doesn't have a choice. There is zero accommodation. Safety first.

Bedtime: Prayers of thanks for a wonderful day of memories made. Extra gratitude for keeping Ethan safe and additional prayer that his angels help him avoid anaphylaxis in the future.

Do you worry about your child's every morsel of food? I do.
Do you worry that the next phone call from school will be a message that your child is on route to the hospital? I do.
Do your children worry their sibling will die?  Mine do.
Do your partner and you regularly discuss matters of food safety, hospital access and life saving medication to prevent your child from the possibility of death? We do.

The truth is, anaphylaxis is an invisible disability. It is a chronic disease which regularly puts our son at risk. And power, for a food allergy family, comes in both the ability to manage the allergy safely as well as the ability to live life to the fullest, regardless of the risk.

Please take some time to really educate yourself and your children about the importance of caring for others with food allergies. It could safe a life.

#foodallergies #anaphylaxis #faam #dairyallergy

Cruise Control

I'm often asked why I 'only' work part time. 

I've been told its not right, not best for my family for me to 'waste' my education and experience. 

I've been told I should strive for more money.

A bigger house. More frequent vacations.

Nicer brand name clothing and renovations to our aging home.

I've been told I'm not enough.

Inferred lazy.

Less than.

I've been told my kids need to 'suck it up' and go to day care like 'most kids do'. I've been told they will never survive the 'real world' when they get older if I continue to 'coddle them' by being home more than the average mom.

I've been told many not so nice things. Been judged. 

Questioned myself repeatedly for my choices as a mother.

Spent many days wondering if I'm doing it all wrong.

Then, you know what?

Days like today happen.

Epic full driveway hopscotch made by three awesome kids.

And this is what matters.

This is the privilege I am witness to.

Time at home afterschool to unwind.

Unstructured play.

Sibling friendships.

You see, our family has lived with plenty of fear the last three years.

Cancer. 

Anaphylaxis.

Home invasion.

My kids worry about dying.

Being without one another.

Eating food that makes them sick.

Going to the hospital.

Coming home to another broken front door and missing piggy banks.

Robbers.

My kids have been through enough to know what makes them feel safe, and what doesn't.

Home, together, is their happy place.

Second only to, together, on an adventure.

So for now I will continue to trade money for time. 

Career advancement for memories.

Fast track for cruise control.

And someday when they've all left the nest perhaps I'll climb that ladder, pursue that masters or even purchase that indulgence I've daydreamed of owning.

Until then, I do not apologize.

I've taken the path less travelled for good reason.

We are anchored at home.

Appreciate life more than most.

Feel Safe.

Today I am grateful for the privilege of cruise control.

Three healthy kids.

One amazing husband.

An afterschool spent at home.

We all make choices.

This is mine. Ours.

Social media, reinvented

Giving up social media for lent was quite an interesting journey.

In the first week, I was mostly lost. There actually came a day when I said to myself, I’m bored. Then I was like, WHHHAATTTT? That’s when my first learning hit me,

I do not need to fill up every space. Every singular moment.

I really don’t. Just because I am cooking dinner and have to wait another four minutes for water to boil, does not mean I need to pick up my phone. Waking up in the morning is much better when I don’t check my phone, but pray, meditate, stretch, pet my dogs or hug the kids for an extended few minutes. I have more time in my day then I think I do, if I just keep off my phone. I can even find some mundane moments in my busy life, which truly surprised me.

By the tenth day, I noticed the most difficult moments to be social media-free were the ones when I felt I ‘needed an escape.’ You know, the moments you want to hear about everyone else’s life and avoid your own? This led me to my next learning,

Be curious with myself when I grab my phone.

Society has spent an awful lot of time demonizing social media, but it doesn’t have to ruin relationships and cause drama among friends. It can be very simple, even empowering, if I become the watchdog of my own use. I have learned that poor social media use for me is using it when I am trying to 'get away' from something or somewhere. When I substitute social media for time in silence, real social connection or use it to distract myself from a ruminating thought, what I really need to do it own it and put my phone down.

As I suspected, life carried on without social media. Two things that didn’t change, though I hypothesized they would? I was no less worried or anxious without social media in my life, nor did avoiding social media reduce the amount of negative thoughts that went through my mind on a given day. That surprised me. My brain is my own worst enemy, not social media.

As I moved into the final weeks, I realized I needed a plan before logging back in. I never intended to live without social media, but I definitely didn’t want to slide back into my old habits. This led to my next reflection,

Rules of engagement are essential for healthy social media use.

I decided that social media for me is about ethical news, posts that guide me towards a mindful life and updates from honest, authentic people who see me as an imperfect human still worthy of love. I no longer accept lying, misrepresentation, omission of truth, silence in place of honesty, ‘make believe’ happiness, those lacking self awareness, mean-spirited commentary, victim mentality and misinformed posts about politics and news. Life is just too short. Snooze, unfollow and delete will be my primary adjustment tools as I return to social life.

The bottom line?

I learned that I cannot escape reality by removing myself from social. I still saw and heard, connected to and knew most of the goings-on in my circle of friends, acquaintances and family. There was hurt, pain, grief and deep sadness that unfolded right before my eyes. I didn’t need social media to experience that. There were also deeply personal text messages, check-ins from family and grocery store hugs which lifted my spirit in ways social media never could.

Social media for me had become more of a time waster, a bad habit or addiction of sorts. While I adore seeing photos and stories of the good news, wish to honour others’ difficult times so I can keep them in my prayers and appreciate the support I've found in online support groups, I learned there’s a difference between engaging actively in my newsfeeds, and passively wasting precious time.

It’s ok to hop on and catch up, send love or best wishes. But for me, it’s not ok to be head down multiple times a day, buried in unimportant details of the many posts that crossed my eyes each day. Just because I may choose to post less often, I can still cruise, creep or otherwise passively view my social channels many more times each day. This is the habit that stops now, this is social media, reinvented.
 

I will be looking up more.
Taking in real life, all around me.

My goodness there is so much glory.

So much pain.
So much beauty in each and every day.

<3

The view from here

Today marks Brooklyn's three year cancer-free-iversary.

It's a day to celebrate, and we plan on doing just that. We are going to her favourite place to eat and play. When I suggested we invite friends and family members, she swiftly said, no thank you, I just want to be together as a family.

Family it is then.
Always.

The view from here, it's so different.
It's heightened.
More aware.

I've learned so much.
Changed so much.

I don't tolerate drama,
because I know that real-life is more than enough to handle.

I avoid negative people,
because I know how it feels for life to be unbelievably hard.

I loathe victim mentality,
because I chose to fight through the worst days of my life to date and survive.

I steep myself in gratitude, even on the most difficult days.
I choose to see little pieces of silver lining in every black cloud.
And let me tell you, this is hard some days.

I stop in wonder to marvel at moments that used to pass me right on by.
I avoid situations and people who drain my energy and spirit.
I have faith for miles and miles, even though I don't know the way.

I discovered how true friends support each other in crisis.
I observed how family anchors family during the storm.
I know that some people exceed expectations, and others do not.

I love harder.
I hurt faster.
I breathe more deeply.
I choose happiness.

I am more honest.
I apologize when I make a mistake.

I am determined to see the good. 
I am focused on solutions.
I immediately navigate to peace.

I've learned we can't shut things off when they aren't going our way.
We have to endure.
Go right on through.
That's the only way out.
Through.

And here we are, three years later.
From the darkest days, to the most normal.
It's a beautiful place to be.
And I don't take a moment of it for granted.
<3

January's Jaw

January's jaw is wide open.
This is the month that opens the wound with one swift bite.

Flashbacks.
Restless nights.
Foggy days.
Broken heart aches.
Tears.

So many tears.

Today alone, I was observing a physio demonstration and - FLASH - I was back in the physio room with Brooklyn, urging her to step up and down, up and down. Her wound fresh, her pain intolerable.

At dinner, Brooklyn mentioned the show Little Charmers to her brother and - FLASH - I was back in her tiny private bathroom with her, watching the show, listening to her singing away while she tried to get her bowels moving after surgery.

I opened up Facebook and read a post about a new comic book themed around conquering the dreaded MRI machine and - FLASH - there we are, again. And again. And later this spring, again.

My local childhood cancer support group sent an invitation for a pre-valentine's baking event to surprise families in hospital and - FLASH - it's Valentine's Day, we're decorating cupcakes delivered by child life to our room and cutting hearts to adorn her IV pole.

Brooklyn just called for me, it's been an hour since I said goodnight but she's still awake - FLASH - I'm back in her room, dark and buzzing, feeling more alone and terrified than I ever imagined possible.

This is real life, returned.
Three years ago this Sunday, Brooklyn was diagnosed with cancer.

Neuroblastoma. Stage One.

Unfortunately this time of year brings it all back.
It hurts all over again.
It torments my days and nights.
My thoughts, my dreams.

And while Brooklyn is a survivor, and life continues to present itself with joyous moments, tremendous blessings and so much love, cancer still lives here.

So the tears, they will fall.

But I promise to keep going. I continue to quietly hold the hands of every childhood cancer parent, old and new, as we navigate this journey together.

#teambrookie #warriorprincess #childhoodcancer #survivor

New Year, New Focus

As always, January is a time of new goals, resolutions and mantras.

I love the way a new year freshens my thoughts, pauses for my reflection and excites my heart with potential. It's something I truly look forward to every year.

This year is no exception.

Life has provided me many opportunities to grow, struggles to learn from and trauma to test me. Yet I am still motoring along. Some days on cruise, others smashing around in the potholes and the odd day with a flat tire on the side of the road.

But I am still motoring.
And I love the feeling of moving ahead.

This year, I'm focusing my energy on a few areas.

First, I'm letting go of expectations. Mostly of others, I've realized that much of my suffering in 2018 (ruminating thoughts, anxiety, feeling left out, worrying about how others will react) came from my deep-seeded beliefs about how people should act, or react to certain situations.

In 2019, I've decided that every time I feel disappointed in someone or in a situation, I am going to ask myself where I've placed expectations on others. I will notice them, be curious about why I've quietly expected certain things, then let them go. I hope this will free up my brain to relax more and be present in the moment.

Secondly, I am determined to be more assertive, with loving kindness always at the heart of my words. I am not a fan of conflict, in fact I usually clam up and become passive aggressive, or avoid avoid avoid whatever is making my uncomfortable. I love to write and reflect on paper, but immediately addressing issues with my voice is very hard for me to do.

In 2019, I am determined to speak up more often. When I feel something is unjust, wrongly operating or simply unbalanced, I will notice the feeling of my heart racing and my jaw clenching. I will find a way to address the situation with a tone of love and respect, using kind words to elicit authentic conversation. I want to be braver in the face of conflict.

Lastly, I am going to say no to things that drain my energy and spirit. This is a super hard one for me, as I am very much a people pleaser. I hate to admit this, but I spend HOURS, at times, considering what others want from me and trying to live up to their expectations. I have frequently said yes to things in the past which I knew would absolutely ruin my energy, drain my spirit and require me a week's worth of time to recover from, just to make others happy.

In 2019, I am going to boldly, and with love, pull back from those things which make drain me. I'd like more energy in my life, more self-fuel for writing, reading and exploring my passions. I'm scared to be selfish but also excited to say that this year I want to put myself first more often and consider what I need to fill my spiritual and energy buckets.

So in 2019, my anchor words are

expectations
assertive
energy

And my anchor quote is

'let go and love more'

These are my post-it notes, my bookmarks for every day of this wonderful, glorious year ahead. It is my hope that as a result of this work, I will grow into a better mom, wife, friend and human <3

#selfreflection #selflove #letgo #love #behumble #bekind