- B R E A T H E -

It's been a week.
A wild ride, a wavy sea of change.
A never-ending tale of discomfort.

I've felt everything from gratitude, love and hope,
to anxiety, panic and fear.

We've never done this before.
Or have we?

Something I did not anticipate was how old trauma would surface.

Flashbacks to a hospital room I couldn't leave.
Feeling cagey.
Terrified.

Isolated to ourselves.
Trying to keep things 'normal.'
Exhausted.

Right now is also an old memory engrained in my soul.
My mind racing back and forth.
Then.
Now.
Us.

- B R E A T H E -

Ground into the earth.
Feel the roots of my spirit protecting me.

- B R E A T H E -

Love myself and my family.
Hug and touch and cuddle and hold.

- B R E A T H E -

Pray.
Meditate.
Journal.
Every day.

- B R E A T H E -

We can survive this.

The waves are back

I am feeling really tired right now.
Deep down in my soul tired.
Hurts to sit, tired.
Depleted.

This exhaustion is not new to me.
I've lived with these waves a long while.
They are here, again.

It's written all over my face.
Engrained into my bones.
Weighted my spirit.
It's not going away.

It could be memories.
It might be winter's cold.
Maybe even the disease of busy.
Or perhaps a combination?

It doesn't matter why it's here.
I know what I have to do.

Breathe.
Find gratitude.
Love my people.
Accept help and hugs.
Repeat.

This is life, after all.
And sometimes we can only wait.
Let the tears fall as they may,
then keep floating along.

Listening for what we really need

I've been thinking a lot about a meme I shared to my Facebook account earlier this week. It's a Brene Brown quote, posted by a blog I really like called Becoming Unbusy.

Shared from @BecomingUnBusy (FB)

Why the heck do we run our butts off, trying to do and make and support everyone and every thing?
Are we really avoiding our true selves?

As my kiddos get older, I am finding it harder and harder to find the intersection of supporting their passions yet still creating enough space for downtime cuddles and lazy puzzle days. It's never been harder.

Sports teams.
Dance lessons.
Birthday parties.
Obligatory family gatherings.
Friends to catch up with.
Board meetings.
Work commitments.
Self care appointments.

When did we decide this was all so normal? To be 'crazy-busy'?
Is it worth it?

This week I attended a funeral for a friend's mom, who passed far too young from the bully that is cancer. As I sat in the church pew listening to my friend and her sister share stories about their mother, I was overwhelmed with reflection.

They spoke about how their mother was always there for them.
By their side.

They spoke of family time and their mom's happy place.
The backyard, a bbq and laughter.

They spoke about their mother's love of sunshine and warm weather.
A simple truth most of us forget  to appreciate in the daily busyness of our lives.

I was truly overwhelmed with emotion, tears streamed down my face, as I realized right there, in that pew, that all my family really needs to focus on right now is creating space.

Not crazy-busy.
Not hours spent driving from event to appointment to commitment.

Just time.
And space.

To breathe.
Laugh.

And listen for what we really need.

Father Fear

Lately I've noticed fear hanging around.

Sometimes it's dark and heavy.
Other times it's quietly casting shadows.

But it's there.
Fear.

It's an interesting emotion. One I didn't always view as such.
Sometimes it looked like anxiety. Or anger. Or sadness.
Deep down, though, at the root of all those other emotions was simply fear.

Father Fear as I like to call it.
The one that has existed forever.
The one I rarely question.
It's so deeply rooted in my life experiences it becomes truth.

I am honestly scared to walk alone, day or night.
I am afraid that any depressed person I know will consider suicide.
I hear the word cancer and I cannot breathe.

Fear.
Big Father Fear.
Paralyzing, heart pounding, dream squashing fear.

Why do I let it win?
Why don't I question it?
Since when does fear trump passion? faith? love?

Truth is, I don't have the answer.
But I know this:

Fear + Courage = Progress

Just last week, for the first time ever, Brooklyn met a big, ongoing medical fear, and showed great courage. She breathed, remained calm and believed she could. And she did.

Major progress.

Five years ago, scared out of my mind, I left my full time job to spend more time with my children.  I found courage to let go of assumptions and ideals and the opinions of others. Thanks to a courageous heart, I have spent the last five years amassing time and memories with my children, without a single regret.

This is massive personal progress on my path to a life well-lived.

So now, it's time.
To have courage, once again.
All of us.
To really live our lives.
Love our here and now.

Engage our passion.
Make our perfect moment.
Manage without the money. time. guarantee.
Embrace the nonlinear path.

Find our courage.
Breathe.
Stay calm.
Have faith.
And love.

The only way to beat Father Fear, is to embrace him.