I don't really know how to explain it.
I don't really know how to describe it.
I don't really know why it happened.
I don't really know.
The only explanation I have is this:
I knew it was bad when, in late July, I balled my face off, in front of my kids, at 9 o'clock in the morning. Over a broken hair elastic.
Yup.
You read that right.
I managed to get the dogs walked, shower, help the kids dress and eat, kiss my husband goodbye, pack up some bags for our morning jaunt and get the kids in the van.
I sat down in the driver's seat and pulled an elastic out of my pocket. My hair was wet and unkept, so I was opting for the usual mom look - the ever popular, high messy bun.
I stretched the elastic around my hair once, twice and SNAP. It broke.
And I sobbed.
Deep, breathless sobs.
The kind you cannot hide. Cannot quiet. Cannot stop in their tracks.
The kids just stared at me, silent. They knew I wasn't ok, but they didn't dare interrupt.
It took me many minutes of deep breathing (thank you meditation) to recover. My mind kept repeating - its ok, you are going to be ok - and my heart slowly settled and my tears stopped.
This has been my entire summer.
A series of broken elastic moments.
I do not feel depressed.
I do not feel anxious.
I do, however, feel entirely outside of myself.
I feel exhausted, burnt out and weak in managing life's every day moments.
Please do not take my absence as a lack of caring.
Do not take my forgetfulness as spiteful.
We all struggle, now and again.
Right now, I just happen to be a broken elastic. <3
This blog was created in 2011 to capture my very personal journey of leaving full time work to become a work-at-home mother of three beautiful children. Naturally, this space has morphed into a place of personal reflection, celebration and sometimes even sadness. I’ve written about childhood cancer, food allergy and anaphylaxis, grief, marriage, friendship, parenting and everything in between, all with a growing sense of mindfulness and gratitude. Please, grab a cup of tea and stay awhile.
