Saturday, January 21, 2012

The new 'normal'

This was a rough week in the Isaak house. Brooklyn got sick Tuesday morning, prompting me stay home from work and care for her, a task with it's perks (let's be honest, the cuddles rock) but inevitably... laundry! After spending most of the day cleaning, bathing, laundering and attempting to feed Miss Sickie, the rest of the family came home. On with dinner, dishes, more laundry, more bathing and ultimately, bedtime. While this isn't an unusual situation for me, I've been battling a back issue which has left me with horrible lower back pain.

When I finally had the chance to sit down, around 8:30pm, I said to my husband, "I just want things to get back to normal." He laughed. "Pam, this is our normal," he said, much to my shegrin. I stewed over that comment for a few minutes, but eventually lost myself in the laughter of terrible American Idol auditions and forgot all about it.

Until 3am. I woke up in intense pain - my back has been giving me major issues this week. As I laid in bed, waiting for the advil to take effect and with an ice pack wedged between my lower back and the mattress, it hit me. He was right (don't tell him I said that). THIS IS OUR NEW NORMAL.

When was the last time I slept the night? Like really closed my eyes at bedtime and never opened them again until the alarm clock went off. I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.

When was the last time I wasn't scrambling to take care of a sick child? We did have a quiet streak around the holidays (thank goodness). SOMEONE IS ALWAYS SICK IN MY HOUSE.

When was the last time I took care of myself first? Ha! This is humorous. Mama's never go first, it's silly to think any mother would ever put their needs in front of their children's. Not happening. NO WAY.

When was the last time I sat down and relaxed after work, or anytime before 8:30pm? Between meals, dishes, laundry, dogs and the like, the list of 'to-dos' is always longer than the time I have left each night after work.

It took my until now - 11:15am Saturday morning - to write this post. After spending the night cleaning up vomit and managing a high fever, I just tucked Nolan back into bed to (hopefully) sleep off some of these germs.

Huh. Four days late. MUST BE THE NEW NORMAL.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Transformational Change. And Leadership Niagara.

On Friday I attended another day-long learning session as a participant in the Leadership Niagara Program. I highly recommend the program, excellent for any mid-level leaders looking to gain valuable skills, an extended professional network, and ultimately engage the Niagara community in change.

This month's session was about change leadership and the change cycle.
How appropriate.

I am familiar with the change cycle, but this session really highlighted for me exactly what happened in my decision to step back from my career. Let's look at the stages:

STAGE 1 IS DENIAL. Oh yah. I didn't even realize I was there. I thought my unhappiness was simply a bump in the road. When my son was sick for two months, I chalked it up to my instinct as a mother to be home with my child. I kept telling myself it would pass. Once he got better I briefly questioned whether it was my job that was making my unhappy. I attempted to negociate a drop to part-time work, however it just wasn't meant to be. I spent nearly 6 months in this stage of the change cycle - absolutely in denial of my true feelings and desires.

STAGE 2 IS BETRAYAL. Ah yes. This was the part where I berated myself for even considering the idea of being home with my kids. I told myself I was crazy, that there was no way our family could live on one income. That my skills would date, that I'd never be able to go back to work. And yet during this time I still said to a co-worker (who told me after the announcement was made that I was leaving, I didn't even realize I had said this) that "my greatest wish would be to stay home with my kids." Wow.

3. SELF-DOUBT. Welcome to where I am now. I'm feeling the classic list of symptoms including fear, insecurity and loneliness. It's a bizzare state to be in as I've always considered myself pretty confident in my choices, and in myself (even if I had to 'fake it until you make it'). My feelings have resulted in lots of stress (see previous post below) and I don't even know myself anymore. Very difficult place to be, and I am very thankful that my family and friends continue to be support of me and our family decision.

Next up, provided I make it out of my self-doubt stage, lol, is STEP 4 BEHAVIOR CHANGE. It will be the time where I begin to change my habits, garner some new experience and feel a sense of success in the belief that I made the right change. Heavy stuff. Likely not until I am done work in a couple of months. Let's hope I make it here!

What really stood out to me at this month's session was the idea of transformational change. It's the kind of change where you don't even know you are going. The kind where you know the world as you know it isn't going to be the same, but you really can't suggest the final outcome.

Transformational change "calls for a new level of fearlessness, of innovation and collaboration."
AMEN.

Stress? I'm not stressed!

I really thought I was handling this transition quite well. Stress is not a word I would use to describe how I've been feeling. Cranky. Low on patience. Tired. Those would be more accurate.Then Jay asked me this week - are you stressed? Huh, I thought. Am I missing something here? The twitching in my eye. My weak lower back. My sudden weight gain. DUH. I am SOO stressed. How did I let it creep up so far on me?

As always, I was so caught up in my worry that I didn't realize it was now expressing itself in a very physical way. Recent worries include what to get my little nephew for his first birthday (IN MARCH), booking our rental car for Florida (IN MARCH) and... wait for it... where we should go while in Orlando (CLEARLY IN MARCH).

Money. Ah. The root of all evil. I've been sub-conciously worrying about the pending loss of my income by trying to plan ahead for expenses now. Good idea. Not so easy when we've just spent $1400 on fixing both our vehicles in the last two weeks. Oh and our stove died a week before Christmas.

Lesson learned. Let the penny pinching begin.

Is this where my New Year's resolution fits in? LET THE WORRIES GO.