The choice written on your heart

There are two kinds of stress in my life.

The kind I can control.
And the kind I cannot.

Two years ago, when Brooklyn was diagnosed with neuroblastoma, I didn't have a hope in hell of controlling a single, solitary moment of doctors saying the words, your daughter has cancer.

I was raw.
My heart crushed.
My soul hanging on by a thread.
I couldn't walk away.
Terrified.
No control.

In those moments, as weak as I was, I found strength deep inside to continue, though admittedly it was hour by hour, moment by moment a great many days.

I made it through.
Slowly the stress lessened.
I moved through the 'new normal' of her survivorship.
Most days I am perfectly able to cope, even through scanxiety and recurrent nightmares.
Even carrying massive survivor guilt, a heavy load I am yet to set down.

More recently, however, I experienced a different kind of stress. It was big and mean and took the form of bullying, a passive aggressive relationship.

It ate at my heart.
Crushed my soul.
Left me feeling one inch tall.
Unable to breathe.

At first, I stood still.
Frozen once again in fear.
Terrified.

But then, I noticed something.
I became aware of the chance to make a choice.

Scary and disheartening and difficult as it was, I actually had some power over what I subjected my heart and soul to, this time around.

I could make a choice.
I did make a choice.
And slowly I am beginning to find my way back.

Once again I reflect.
Massage the wounds.
Look for healing.
Learn.

On this journey called life, we have so many stresses.

Career.
Family.
Friends.
Children.
Finances.
Health.

Some of these are in our control.
Most are not.

But why be stressed out and miserable with anything in our lives, if there is an option to choose?

We must be brave.
Warriors of our heart.
Protectors of our spirit.

The days are long.
But the years are oh so short.

We must stand up and choose.

Love.
Safety.
Peace.
Fairness.
Justice.
Self care.
Integrity.
Joy.

Enough eating around it.

Take a deep breath.
And make the choice written on your heart.
You already know the answer.