Birthdays in Heaven

I'm struggling to detail my thoughts, my heart full of feelings. I know that tomorrow is Miller's first birthday in heaven, and I wish it were here, with us. That little pooch, my first fur baby, he is still missed an incredible amount in our home. My heart still has an unoccupied, empty space which used to hold his physical presence. His skinny body. His furry ears. His relentless quest for snuggles.

Tomorrow is Miller's birthday. And his mommy can't be there to spoil him.

It's funny, how kids just know, just sense what adults need. Tonight, B asked me to read her 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow Bridge', the gorgeous book which describes a dog's journey to heaven along a connected rainbow beginning on earth. It was hard to read, but I found comfort in the following passage:

Just as they did in life,
dogs want to make their
loved ones happy, to tell them,
"Everything is all right.
It's beautiful over there.
And we are not done -
not by a long shot.
I'll always be here for you."

Happy Birthday my Miller boy, I hope Gram feeds you Pizza Hut crusts and Pop takes you fishing. Maybe Babcia will even slip a cheese slice into your dinner. You are well-cared for, no doubt, but please know you are so special that the kids, Daddy and I still talk about you every single week.

Love, Mommy

On his last day, so sick but still one of my favourite photos. I can see deep into his soul through those eyes.

Honouring Kinsley

Today we will remember and honour Kinsley and send our hearts up high.

Today she will celebrate turning one in heaven with Pop and all who have gone before us.

Today we will shed tears, smile at her beautiful photos and hug our family a little tighter.

But today will not unfold like it did this day last year.

Today John and Carly will bring home their beautiful little baby girl.

Today they will snuggle her, kiss her, feed her and welcome her home.

One year ago they lost. And today they will not.

Today they will know that Kinsley is their angel daughter, meant to watch over and protect.

To whisper in their ear and bring on light during difficult times.

We will always remember. We will never forget.

We will love Arabella not only for her own beautiful and perfect self, but for her sister who never had the opportunity to be here with us.

xoxo

Love you heaps and heaps

On February 13th my dear Grandmother passed away. Just a day before Valentines, it seemed so perfect that she was able celebrate her second favourite holiday in heaven, reunited with her husband, my Grandfather. I was very honoured to say a few words at her funeral...

As one of the few grandkids who grew up 'in the city', my memories of Gramma don't include time on the farm as most others do. Instead, Gram and I bonded over shopping trips, doctors visits and stops at the bank which always began with Gramma's classic remark, 'buckle the baby in' when I'd latch her seat belt.

No trip was complete without a stop at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet. Admittedly, it was her and my favourite lunch spot. She always requested a take-out box for her crusts, to take back to Pepper on the farm. I'd just smile politely at the waitress, hoping she'd realize the innocence of her request. Once, when Gram was denied her box, she simply wrapped her crusts in a knapkin and shoved them into her purse. Classic Gramma, she always found a way.

As Gramma aged, I became married and started a family. Our afternoon trips together were replaced with weekly phone calls. She'd ask about my life, the kids and of course, my husband Jay. She loved Jay, loved to banter and giggle with him. Sometimes she'd flat out end our conversations just to speak with him, which always made me laugh.  Our phone calls always ended with 'I love you heaps and heaps and bushels and pecks.' I admired this about her, she never hesitated to tell you she loved you.

Following the birth of my first son, Nolan, she said matter-of-factly said to me, 'If you don't be careful, it will happen again!', to which I laughed and told her I'd take that into consideration. She knew she was right, and eventually she was able to meet my daughter Brooklyn, who she always called Britney, no matter how hard she tried to remember it. She loved to snuggle my kids, tickle them and share her new stuffed animals won at Albright bingo with them. Seeing my children brought her joy, it was always written all over her face.

One Sunday afternoon, while visiting her at Albright, she asked me when the third baby was coming. I laughed, telling her there would be no more, that the world was built for a family of four and as such, my family was complete. As I responded oh so politically, she looked at me and said, 'Are you sure?'... she knew, she could see in my eyes that I wanted another. Well she was right again and was overjoyed to meet Ethan last year. And of course, she didn't hesitate to tell me she told me so!

Motherhood bonds women, even generations apart. Seeing Grams kids surround her with such love and deep compassion, filled my heart with joy this week, despite the difficult circumstances. As a mother I knew how much those bed side hand squeezes, hugs and kisses meant to her during this last week. I am proud to say  that her children (my parents, aunts and uncles) are my family too. There is no doubt in my mind that Gram left this world knowing she was very deeply loved.

Yesterday her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren gathered together and spent most of the day reminiscing and laughing about their favourite memories of Gramma. The enormity of her legacy really hit me yesterday as I listened to all the excited voices.

Gramma, and Grandpa, gave us the gift of family.
A big one.
Beautiful, talented, loving and inspired.
Full of energy, passion and drive.

Where some would say Gram was stubborn, I'd suggest that her strong will and perseverance was built into many of us and is part of the reason for our personal and professional success to date. Our big, beautiful family tree grew from a place of love, laughter and hard work. And we have her and Grandpa to thank for that gift.

Gram will be missed, but I take peace in knowing she is reunited with Grandpa and Scott up in heaven - we sent her up there with a big pile of hugs for each of them.

Her spirit will live on every time we take a moment to tell each other we love them heaps and heaps. And in the end, what's more important than that?

A special thank you to my dear family and friends (who are an extension of my family) for all their love, prayers and support this last week. You are incredible, much love to each of you. xo