Advocating is life on a treadmill

Tonight I feel heavy.
My head is throbbing.
Neck tight.
Eyes burning.
Exhausted.

Some days it takes all of me, to advocate.
To protect my son.
Educate others.
Keep him safe.

Some days it's exhausting.

I wonder what it's like for other families.
Not to worry or analyze.
Do they even notice this blessing?
They don't bat an eye.
I feel jealous.

Right now, it's a struggle.
It's damn hard.
It zaps my energy in minutes.
Leaves me hanging like a damp blanket on a clothesline.

Advocating is life on a treadmill.
Sometimes fast and sometimes slow.
It feels like I am going nowhere.
But I can't stop.

This little person depends on me.
His literal life depends on my resolve.
My purposeful actions.
My coaxing and educating.
My choice of words. 

Prove me wrong.

I can't stop.
Won't stop.

I support the hard things;
His daily grind to survive.
I am the body guard;
His personal safety vest.
I aim to make it bearable;
For him to live with fear.

My job is to rest,
But not quit.
Crack,
But not shatter.
Bend,
But not break.
Cry,
But not drown.

Tonight I'll silently tantrum.
Then rest.

Because I've learned that the key to advocating is rising,
over and over and over again.

With hope in my heart, 
a smile on my face, 
and the invisible shield of hugs that protect him when we are apart.

Life is a series of energetic give and take

I spent a little time talking to my son about energy today. It's something I never learned about until I was in my late 20s, but it's a very mindful concept that helps me decide where to spend my time, when I have the choice to do so.

If you've ever read The Celestine Prophecy, the author refers to the concept as 'energy takers' and 'energy givers'. It's the idea that everything surrounding us has energy attached to it, as do we. And every interact point will leave us feeling some degree more or less energetic, as a result.

There are some people, places and things which GIVE me energy. For me, the feeling of receiving energy makes me feel rejuvenated, joyful, grateful, loved, energetic, pumped up or bursting at the seams after spending time in this way. I think of how my parents and my best friend leave me feeling better, more full and capable, after spending time with them. Meditation, snuggling on the couch with my family, walking my dog, feeling the sunshine on my face, date night, spending time near water, in nature and at our family cottage all provide energy to fuel me.

On the other hand, some people, places and things TAKE energy from me. For me, the feeling of having energy taken from me feels exhausting, weakening, tiring; like my mood is lowered and my brain and/or body have been depleted in some way. Things like taking my kids to medical appointments, managing conflict, spending time with inauthentic people or those who lack integrity and explaining myself to someone who isn't listening, suck the energy right out of my body.

Now here's the tricky part; we don't always get to choose the people, places or things we interact with. We cannot always avoid hard things, difficult people and draining environments. I would argue that perhaps these are put in our path to help us notice the difference between the ones that give energy, and the ones that take it away from us.

Also, important relationships in our lives will be a MIX of giving energy and receiving it, depending on circumstance, trial and other hardships. I would argue that we are designed for this purpose entirely, as in loving others we must give of ourselves. We can give and take quite remarkably, and we do so all the time without even noticing.

The amazing thing I've realized about energy is that sometimes we CAN MAKE A CHOICE. We can choose how much time we spend with energy takers; the people, things and situations that drain us. We can begin to notice how our bodies and minds actually feel, while interacting, then use our observations to inform future choices.

Let me give you an example.

Today, my son came upstairs twice and asked for hugs. He said he felt tired and I observed him to be sullen and sluggish. I noticed but didn't say anything to him. This afternoon we took a short drive and he had nothing to say on the way to our destination. He just sat in silence, and I controlled my many urges to make him speak. After reaching our destination, he interacted with a few people he hadn't seen in awhile, received some items and got back in the van. He was smiling ear to ear and chatted all the way home about what he received, how to use them and why they were awesome.

Huge shift in energy, right?

I would argue that whatever he was doing this morning likely zapped his energy. I would also argue that our drive and interaction left him bursting with new energy. It was awesome to observe and I shared it with him.

What he does from here is his choice. 

I encouraged him to notice the difference in how he felt this morning vs this afternoon, and spend the week noticing how he feels around certain people, doing certain activities and being in different places. I could hazard some guesses, but he's old enough to go inward, notice and observe, then be empowered to do more of what strengthens his energy. I also suggested he consider sharing his energy more often when he has lots to give, as life is a series of energetic give and take.

So this week, challenge yourself to notice how you feel. Maybe keep a journal, digital notepad or debrief once a day with someone you love.

Notice the people who ignite you with joy, as well as the ones who do not. Notice the way things you interact with - news, social media, art, music - add or retract from your day.

Then, whenever you can make a choice, seek out more of what keeps you energized,
and give energy to others whenever you feel strong enough to share.

xoxo