Twelve months of twister

I've had a hard time finding the right words to share, over the last 12 months. What normally flows so naturally from my inner monologue has been somewhat silenced. I can't put my finger on why.

I feel like I’ve been playing an endless game of twister.

I spent the first few months of the pandemic feeling motivated and empowered to sustain positivity in my thoughts and words.

I was scared.
I mean, who wasn't?
It was all so new and outrageous. An actual pandemic? A lockdown? What?

But it was happening whether we liked it or not.

By the summer I was fatigued, but re-energized by the sunshine, slower days and time spent in nature. I read more, laughed more and even though I struggled to make decisions I was relatively calm and confident. The game was getting old, but I was still playing it and encouraging my kids to find fun as the spinner kept spinning away, beyond our control.

Fall came.

I felt 75% normal. I was worried about back to school and term but I felt like we could handle it. It was a relief to see the kids act like kids, again. I had the energy to greet them with a smile and hug away the worst parts of their day.

The continual pivots at work were slowing. Difficult, but manageable.
Twisting and turning, tired but focused.

Then holidays approached.

I meticulously planned ahead. Worried more than I should have about everyone else's feelings and complaints. Felt a new level of exhaustion and began dragging my butt out of bed. Noticed I needed the kids' hugs more than they needed mine.

It wasn’t the same, but we made the absolute most of it.

We celebrated.
Toasted.
Made new memories and found joy.
Rested. Relaxed. Read.

The moment the calendar flipped to 2021, I felt a renewed sense of optimism. I was hopeful for a better year. I felt more positive and ready to face whatever was coming next. I set goals!

That lasted a whopping two weeks.

The second lockdown drained my last reserves, and those of my kids. The game’s been going on too long. Too many twists, too many turns, too many things out of our control.

We are weary. Deflated.
Sensitive.
Hypersensitive actually.

Each family member requests hugs, but are often too tired to give them.
We make ‘big’ plans, then struggle to accomplish them.
We cry a lot. All of us.

The game is not fun anymore.

I am burnt out.
Playing twister for a year.
Every move more exhausting than the last.
Intertwined with my kids' fluctuating emotional waves.
And my own.
The odd giggle and fit of laughter.
Trying so, so hard to keep it fun and positive.

Truth be told, I am absolutely sore, weak and tired of playing.
There's no time for parents to tend to their own needs.

Don't tell me to take care of myself!
(Lord knows I am trying)

I am busy pouring every ounce of myself into the act of holding my kids steady.
Cheering them on.
Holding it allllllll together.

Can we stop yet?

Throw the damn spinner in the garbage.
And don’t ever ask me to play, again.

I did not sign up for 12 months of twister.
No one did.

Yet the arrow keeps on spinning… and we are forced into our next move.

The waves are back

I am feeling really tired right now.
Deep down in my soul tired.
Hurts to sit, tired.
Depleted.

This exhaustion is not new to me.
I've lived with these waves a long while.
They are here, again.

It's written all over my face.
Engrained into my bones.
Weighted my spirit.
It's not going away.

It could be memories.
It might be winter's cold.
Maybe even the disease of busy.
Or perhaps a combination?

It doesn't matter why it's here.
I know what I have to do.

Breathe.
Find gratitude.
Love my people.
Accept help and hugs.
Repeat.

This is life, after all.
And sometimes we can only wait.
Let the tears fall as they may,
then keep floating along.

An Ode to Sleep

Sleep.

Oh sleep.

How I miss thee.

It's been eight days of germs in our house, and as any parent knows, germs equal NO SLEEP. It's been two-and-a-half years since B was born, a new sleep low for me, and four-and-a-half years since N was born, my first dip into the world of sleep deprivation.

I really miss sleep.

Late at night, after providing my kiddos with water/kleenex/chapstick or whatever else they woke me up for, I reminice about the 'good ol' days'. Evenings spent snuggling in bed with my hubby, watching a movie or some ridiculously awful TV series and falling asleep in each other's arms. Sleeping until I woke up because my body was ready and not remembering a single moment of what happened between when my head hit the pillow and the next morning.

All you single, newly married and married-without-kids friends, I AM JEALOUS OF YOU. That's correct, I'll admit it. I would trade my first-born child (and perhaps my second-born to sweeten the deal) just to get a few nights of uninterrupted, solid sleep. Is this why sleepovers were created? Hmm...

I used to think I was losing it when thoughts of booking a hotel room just to sleep for 24 hours crossed my mind. Then a girlfriend with kids the same age as mine reported the same wish. WHEW! If I was losing it, I was going there with someone else, thank goodness. I wonder if the beds are comfy in crazy town?

To complicate things further, my very loving, totally amazing hubby snores. LOUDLY. This means that once I've returned to bed after visiting my not-really-sleeping angels I lay awake in frustration. Often times the poor guy gets a bolt from me, asking unrealistically, to stop the maddness. He'll roll over and, before I'm even settled, be right back to sleep... and snoring...

I'm now 21 weeks pregnant. In first pregnancy language, this is the 'feel well' trimester marked by increased energy and desire to prepare for baby. In second pregnancies this is the 'feel ok' stage where you know you should feel energized and still prepare accordingly for baby. In third pregnancies, well, I'm finding that this trimester is as exhausting as the first, without much time to prepare for baby much less rest up. Thank goodness I'm able to sleep late on weekends, something hubby insists on at every possible opportunity. I'd kiss him for this, if I had the energy.

Sleep is just NOT my friend. And with our third baby on the way, I can only imagine how much worse this is going to get. Hubby and I have decided to bunk the little one with his older brother, secretly hoping that N will lead by example and teach his little brother that sleeping straight through the night is the cool thing to do (when you are healthy). When the boys are sick, it's going to be a certified gong show. I'll be sending Daddy in to 'deal with his boys.' ha!

In the meantime, I just keep plugging away at my mama and work-at-home-mama duties, dark circles under my eyes, hoping to win the sleep lottery. Perhaps someday I'll find the time to relax in bed, not because I'm tired, but because there is simply nothing to do and no-one to care for. I imagine this is part of having a seniors' discount? Seems more attractive all the time...

Oh sleep.

How I miss thee.

Secret exhaustion!

I've fallen off the 'map' so to speak, with more than one of my dearest relationships. Suffice to say it's been an incredible ride these last two months... September and early October brought me two major event-related projects that ate massive amounts of my personal time. Personal time is a bit of a joke as it is, as my decision to be home with my kids was a conscious trade-off of my time for more intimate family time on a daily basis. More kids, less mommy.

My hubby can vouch for me. I've spent more time working away on my computer, as well as away from my kiddies at meetings, than I ever imagined possible in such a short time span. As a work-at-home mother I knew these days would come, I just didn't imagine having to do it with a secret level of exhaustion.

I know this exhaustion well. It's the fall-asleep-while-watching-cartoons-with-the-kids, can't-get-my head-off-the-pillow-in-the-morning, begging-for-a-nap kind of exhaustion. It compounds by the day, then week, then month. It leaves my brain foggy, my eyes rounded with dark circles and my body absolutely terrified to do anything at all but sit still.

I know this exhaustion well because I've done it twice before.

This exhaustion is the most beautiful, blessed kind of suffering.

It's first trimester exhaustion.

Jay, Nolan, Brooklyn and I are VERY EXCITED to announce that we're expecting baby #3 next May!!

Please forgive me if I've fallen off the map these last few months. I gave every last moment of energy to paid projects and let the rest fall away... survival mode I guess...

God has blessed our family in a way I never dreamed was actually possible. My prayers of thanks and tears of joy haven't stopped since the moment we found out we were expecting...

Luckiest. Family. Ever.