Four life lessons learned from my four year old.

Tomorrow marks a special occasion - my son Nolan's fourth birthday. I'm really struggling with this one, it seems like only yesterday he was my 'little babah', swaddled in my arms, snuggling on my chest. Here we are now, a mere two months away from his first day of junior kindergarten. Seriously, where has the time gone?

Life with Nolan has been nothing short of a roller coaster. From a calm baby to a rambuncious toddler, on to a stubborn preschooler and now, well, I'd suggest he's become quite the negotiator these days. Every question begs for an explanation as to why he should be allowed to (fill-in-the-blank here). He's an eager communicator, chatterbox some say, unless of course his favorite show is on TV. That's about our only quiet time these days :)

As I look back on the last four years, I'd like to think I've taught Nolan a trick or two. How to drink from straw, wash his hands and make his bed. How to ask for help, use his manners and give really great hugs. Funny thing is, as I reflect I realize he's taught me some valuable lessons, too. In honour of his fourth, here's a list of the top four things he's taught me:

Number four:


Cutest. Costume. Ever.

It's fun to play dress-up once in awhile! Nolan is such a free spirit, he often surprises Jay and I by walking into the family room dressed in his giraffe Halloween costume. It's hilarious and he knows it, often leaving our entire family in happy tears on the floor. Just yesterday he received a fantastic knit firefighter hat... he's had it on ever since, even in the summer heat! It didn't matter to him that he looked different, or that it was funny, he was just happy being himself.


Yup, McDonalds. His favorite place. In his new hat.

What a cool kid and a cool idea. I bet on those crappy, cranky days we'd have much better luck making ourselves smile if we wore an ugly tie (I found a few doozies in Jay's wardrobe pre-dating our marriage), a retro coat (think circa 1993 surf-sytle hypercolour popovers) or perhaps just donned a ridiculous goofy hat with ears before paying the bills. Laughter is the best family medicine, thanks to Nolan's lead I'm going to try this more often.

Number three:
Little things mean more! What surprises me most about Nolan is his uncanny ability to appreciate life's little things. It's a bird digging for worms, an airplane's loud engine off in the distance sky, the way he lights up when his sister shares her snack and most of all the way a siren of any kind, at any pitch, can send him screaming 'did you hear that!' wherever we go.


Absolutely nuts for sirens, at his first parade.

Why is it that as adults we lose our ability to appreciate such simple gifts? My mom always says, 'little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.' The beauty is that little kids also appreciate all the little joys around them. Everything is a new adventure, every day an exciting new challenge.  My goal is to stop and enjoy these little gifts WITH him, double the joy and fun.

Number two:
Eat your veggies - raw! I've never seen a child eat raw veggies quite like my son. Every colour, shape and size, it doesn't really matter to him. He DEVOURS them. Enjoys every mouthful. Sometimes I swear I can see the vitamins and minerals nourishing his already-healthy complexion even more. I've never been a huge raw veggie eater, however seeing him eat such a naturally healthy, wholesome food reminds me that I can do a better job myself. In this case my son is modelling the way for me.


Plate loaded with veggies at his party!

and the number one thing Nolan has taught me is...

There are a million ways to tell someone you love them! Forget a million, it's likely at a zillion by now. Nolan tells me every day, in every way, that I am loved. From the moment he runs into my room each morning to hug me I know that our love is both deep-rooted and mutal. He holds my hand, cuddles in my lap, begs for me to read him stories and calls for me the moment he's hurt. He shares his accomplishments, demonstrates his new skills and belts out top 40 hits every morning at breakfast while we laugh and dance.

A few weeks ago at bedtime we snuggled into his bed and talked about 'big boy school'. I was telling him how much he was going to love it, how he'd learn so many new things and meet new friends in his class. I told him how proud I was of him, but that I was going to miss him. At that moment he rested his hand on my head, looked me square in the eyes and said, 'I'll still love you when I go to big boy school mama." Talk about love. What a kid.

Happy 4th birthday to my not-so-little Babah, my Noly, my handsome, empathetic son Nolan. Mommy loves you more than you could ever imagine possible.
xo

And in a flash, she turns two.

Today we had a 'pretend birthday' party for our youngest, precious little girl Brooklyn. Pretend because her official birthday is a few days away, real in every other sense of the word. Seeing her so happy to be surrounded by her family and friends, opening gifts and looking at her Dora cake got me thinking about how far she's come....

The summer before I got pregnant, I went on my first trip to NYC. Sitting atop the classic red, double-decker bus sightseeing around the city I began to notice the signage everywhere - Brooklyn. I remember pulling out my phone, considering the cost of messaging my husband and deciding it was worth it. "If we have a daughter, we should call her Brooklyn" I had said, I just thought the name was so beautiful.

That fall we were fortunate to conceive. Fast forward to the 20 week mark, we found out we were having a  girl. Elated, the name game began. We both agreed to not share our short list with family or friends, we knew how opinionated others could be so we essentially left it up to our son Nolan to figure it out. We spent weeks asking him to say "Abby", as I'd always envisioned a daughter named Abigail. After about six weeks we felt like it was getting old, instead opting to hear him say "B".

Before we knew it, my husband Jay had nicknamed the baby "Dodger" (get it?) and we spent the last trimester of my pregnancy secretly laughing every time someone said we must have chosen Abigail. We knew she'd be a Brooklyn, without a doubt.

The day she came into this world, my heart skipped a beat. Many parents of one child worry that they couldn't possibly 'have room' to love another. Quite honestly, the moment I laid eyes on her my love grew tenfold and my life changed forever.

Brooklyn was a very fussy baby. I remember the first night she was born barely sleeping because she was crying and seemed uncomfortable. I remember thinking, I don't recall Nolan being this way, in fact I think I had to set my phone alarm to wake myself up to feed him. Not the case with my little princess. Little did I know she was going to be a bigger handful than I imagined!

Brooklyn Amelia Isaak. Ten days old, taken by her very talented Nanna 'Fire Truck.'

I took a trip down memory lane this week (thanks facebook timeline) and found these old status updates, they basically tell the story:

"Wonders if you've found my patience? I lost it, can't seem to find it... hmm..." - August 2010

"Colicky baby makes Pam go something something... crazy? Don't mind if I do... "- September 2010

"Is totally and utterly exhausted. Done. Well done. Overcooked." - September 2010

"Endured two hours of steady screaming until Brooklyn's first two teeth broke the gum line this am... dear God help me if this happens every time!" - September 2010

"Knows Brooklyn would win the award for loudest, most deafening screams... after hearing hours I've it, I'm utterly convinced... and I'm pretty sure I've lost my ability to hear properly" - September 2010

"Would like to drop kick infant colic and immunizations in the mommy-daddy button... over and over and over again..." - October 2010

"Has enjoyed an exceptional weekend... to be topped off with an early dinner out with Jay... thanks Michelle, Joel and Addi and Sama and Grandpa too! After a weekend like this, I still don't want more kiddies, but I can definitely see the light at the end of this very long colic tunnel :) - October 2010

"Was told today by two perfect strangers that I have a smiley, happy girl. It filled my heart with such joy... we've come a LONG way in 8.5 months..." - February 2011

I walked around, Brooklyn spawled across my forearm, for the first five months of her life. It was insanity. Complete insanity. I spent most days crying, most nights angry with her and most weekends fending off requests to 'get back to normal and get out of the house' because mentally and spiritually I was drained to the point of exhaustion. I felt robbed, I rarely enjoyed her company and lacked the bond I easily established with her brother.

Suffice to say our first year with Brooklyn was one of the most difficult, life changing events to date in my life. I worry more. I sleep less soundly. I panic over things I never cared about previously. Colic has a funny way of changing a person, it's definitely not just something you 'get over'.

Fast forward again and we're celebrating her second birthday. A Dora-themed bash, it was simple yet incredibly enjoyable. She was very delighted by her cake, and even more so by her new gifts.

Here's a picture of Jay, Brookie and I after singing Happy Birthday. I promise she was happier than in this photo!



Now a smart, hilarious two year old, Brooklyn is nothing like her former infant self. She is a confident risk-taker, and a naturally caring and nurturing little girl. Her smile in infectious, her laughter is like sunshine and her hugs, oh her hugs will melt your heart. She completed my life in a way I never thought possible, allowing Jay and I to confidently call ourselves a family.

She's often my shadow, calls out for me at least a thousand times a day and shares with me the very same bond I share with my almost four year old son. My, how times have changed.

I really couldn't be more fortunate. I really couldn't be more in love.

Happy Birthday baby girl, daddy's little 'munchie'. Mama loves you very much.
xo







PS: As an afterthought, this article really spoke to me in the midst of Brookie's colic. A worthwhile article for everyone who ever dealt with colic “Our Son Got over Colic, We Haven’t: The real damage in dealing with a crying baby” http://www.babble.com/baby/baby-health-safety/colic-dealing-with-crying-baby-harm-to-parents/ A copy of this article is safely tucked away in Brooklyn's memory box, although I hope she never needs to read or sympathize with it.

If we all did just did a little...

This week I was a bit of a nut-case... just ask my husband.

The second annual Niagara Nutrition Partners Breakfast Gala was on Thursday, an event that drew over 230 guests, nine high school culinary programs and raised over $17,000 and counting.

Amazing right. I agree.

In my former position at PenFinancial, community relations was part of my job, hence the reason I initially got involved. It was an easy fit for me as I love what they do for over 13,000 children daily around Niagara. The government funds a measly 15% of any student nutrition program (breakfast, snack, lunch) therefore it's up to NNP and the schools themselves to apply for grants and fundraise the remaining dollars. No small task given there's almost 150 Niagara schools alone running programs.

My skill set in marketing, communications, PR and event planning were useful in this setting, and I was happy to oblige. A problem arose, however, once I left the Credit Union to be home with my kiddies. My time was stretched to the max, with less opportunity (and still other commitments) to fill it with. I barely made it out alive this week, and while I am uber proud of our event, I've been left with a few thoughts to mull around this long weekend.

First, how lucky was I to have a (former) employer who believed in me and my community enough to let me spend some of my volunteer hours 'on the clock'? I never wished or desired for payment, for me it was about finding the time to get it all in. Completing this project from home was one of the most difficult tests of my time management skills to date. I wish more Niagara organizations allowed their employees to lend their time, skill and expertise to the hundreds of local not-for-profits in need.

Secondly, I have a freakin' amazing husband. The poor guy barely saw me the last two weeks, as I ran from meeting to meeting in the evening, on the phone with other Committee members and ultimately sat at my PC writing agendas, scripts, press releases and answered emails. He endured many solo bedtimes listening to my kids cry 'mama', washed many a dish more than usual and waited nearly three weeks to see the Avengers because I needed to be out of the house. His first words to me after my event ended yesterday were, 'Welcome Back.' Enough said.

Finally, what will it take to get more people involved? I am a firm and very big advocate for volunteerism, and I believe that every single person has the ability to give a little of their time.

Maybe your an esthetician. Did you know that Hospice Niagara looks for people just like you to give an hour or two of you time to their end of life patients at day hospice?

Maybe you love to walk your dog! Why not volunteer once a week at the Humane Society to give a pooch some love?

Maybe you love to drive! Meals on Wheels delivers food daily to people who can't otherwise get out for food or cook. I'm guessing this is a few hours a month commitment.

Great singer? Most seniors homes wish for entertainers to walk to their doors and agree to sing for an hour or two once a month.

Accountant or financial planner? Not for profit boards are begging for your expertise and opinion.

The list goes on and on. Everyone has something to give - their skills, expertise, passion or maybe even just their ear to listen.

And if we all did just a little... than the little wouldn't have to do alot.

Consider volunteering. Today.

The Sweet Spot

I think about it every day. Every night. I send prayers of thanks. I gush to my husband.

I LOVE THIS!

Today marks the end of my third week at home with the kids. Three weeks already, I know right! I wasn't really sure what to expect being home every day - would I regret my decision? Would I wish for work and 'adult' conversation? Would I run out of things to do?

All that worry was for nothing. We're plenty busy, I am absolutely shocked however I really don't miss the day-to-day grind as I expected to and without question I do not regret my decision for one second. Not one.

Some little changes I've observed:
- the kids stay up a little later as they can nap and sleep in as they wish (this is great for Daddy, who has some additional 'bought' time with them)
- my back and neck rarely hurt. Interesting how stress always drove right into my neck and shoulder muscles. I haven't felt ANYTHING in three weeks! And that little back episode I had in January? No sign of anything like it.
- Nolan's meltdowns are fewer in duration and frequency. Thank God for this one!
- Once important tasks fall by the wayside more often, in favor of time for myself, my kids and my marriage. My desk is still a mess at home (I promise I'll clean soon honey!) yet it bothers me less than ever before.

I've also been privvy to many moments of beauty as my children interact and care for each other. Don't get me wrong, they fight like cats and dogs all day, but there is deep real love shared between them. At a photo session this morning, Brooklyn was scared of the fuzzy bunnies used as photo props. Without question Nolan stepped in, spoke to his 'princess' and told her it was ok and let's do it together. Talk about melting my heart! The photographer even quipped, "He's an amazing big brother. You've done something so right with that little guy!"

I think I've found the sweet spot. It's nestled between my two little monkeys.

How do I ever thank you. All of you.

Well, it's official. My time has come to an end with PenFinancial. Call me a stay-at-home mom. Call me unemployed. Call me broke. Most of all, call me lucky.

Last night I was blessed and very humbled to sit around a table of my peers who came out in my honour. It was so incredible to be surrounded by such good-hearted people, the kind you hope to work with and call your friends. It was a fun night, but one particular moment stuck out the most.

As I was saying goodbye to a co-worker of mine, she told me the story of her daughter's reaction to her attending my going away party. Her daughter, nine years old, said 'Oh, Pam's retiring?' to which my co-worker said, 'No honey, she's going to stay home to take care of Nolan and Brooklyn." Her daughter replied, "They are the luckiest kids to have their mommy home with them."

Wow right. My eyes filled with tears, and so did my co-worker's. What a gentle, yet powerful reminder of how much moms and dads mean to the children they parent. I've more often considered this my personal gain for capitalizing on this special time, these early childhood years. But my co-worker's daughter reminded me that my children are also lucky to have me at their side - through the good and the bad. There is no greater cheerleader than a parent to their child.

I'm not sure I'll be able to properly give thanks to all who have made this transition a positive and uplifting experience. Considering tomorrow is the Oscars, maybe I'll attempt the ever-popular knapkin speech...

First of all, I'd like to thank God, for granting me the serenity to accept the things I could not change, the courage to change the things I could, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Secondly, I'd like to thank everyone at PenFinancial Credit Union. The laughter was infectious, the food was mostly fattening, the conversations enlightening. It truly was a great place to work. A culture entrenched in co-operative, family values which encouraged my personal growth, supported flexibility to raise my family and ultimately empowered me make a positive impact in Niagara.

I'd also like to thank my mentor, she knows who she is, for being an incredible women - at once powerful and caring, kind and incredibly hard-working. Your unwaivering support and friendship were never taken for granted. For all you did, thank you. Much love.

To my family and friends - for the retirement cake and bonbons, the laughter, flowers and supportive conversations. Your strength brought me closer to my ultimate goal. You knew before I did that I needed to step away from my career, yet you never 'took sides.'  Instead you let me work through it, listening always and never judging. More than ever I can say with great certainty - family is everything.

To my husband - I quit. Sorry, are you just hearing this now? No really, I've never felt more loved or supported than today. You have no idea how it makes me feel to hear the words 'I am so proud of you for doing this" - and you've said in numerous times in the last few weeks. Love love love. And then some.

Finally, to my kids - Mommy is so very excited. You may not see your friends from school for a long while, but I can promise you many more days of fun, of laughter, and of cuddles. When you are sick - you'll rest in your own bed. When you are hot - we'll jump in our pool together. When you are hungry - we'll find a snack in the cupboard. When you are sad - my arms will wrap around you tightly, and you will know then and forever that nothing cannot be mended in the arms of Mama. xo

So there you have it. Sure wish I had the dress to go with it :)

The new 'normal'

This was a rough week in the Isaak house. Brooklyn got sick Tuesday morning, prompting me stay home from work and care for her, a task with it's perks (let's be honest, the cuddles rock) but inevitably... laundry! After spending most of the day cleaning, bathing, laundering and attempting to feed Miss Sickie, the rest of the family came home. On with dinner, dishes, more laundry, more bathing and ultimately, bedtime. While this isn't an unusual situation for me, I've been battling a back issue which has left me with horrible lower back pain.

When I finally had the chance to sit down, around 8:30pm, I said to my husband, "I just want things to get back to normal." He laughed. "Pam, this is our normal," he said, much to my shegrin. I stewed over that comment for a few minutes, but eventually lost myself in the laughter of terrible American Idol auditions and forgot all about it.

Until 3am. I woke up in intense pain - my back has been giving me major issues this week. As I laid in bed, waiting for the advil to take effect and with an ice pack wedged between my lower back and the mattress, it hit me. He was right (don't tell him I said that). THIS IS OUR NEW NORMAL.

When was the last time I slept the night? Like really closed my eyes at bedtime and never opened them again until the alarm clock went off. I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.

When was the last time I wasn't scrambling to take care of a sick child? We did have a quiet streak around the holidays (thank goodness). SOMEONE IS ALWAYS SICK IN MY HOUSE.

When was the last time I took care of myself first? Ha! This is humorous. Mama's never go first, it's silly to think any mother would ever put their needs in front of their children's. Not happening. NO WAY.

When was the last time I sat down and relaxed after work, or anytime before 8:30pm? Between meals, dishes, laundry, dogs and the like, the list of 'to-dos' is always longer than the time I have left each night after work.

It took my until now - 11:15am Saturday morning - to write this post. After spending the night cleaning up vomit and managing a high fever, I just tucked Nolan back into bed to (hopefully) sleep off some of these germs.

Huh. Four days late. MUST BE THE NEW NORMAL.

Transformational Change. And Leadership Niagara.

On Friday I attended another day-long learning session as a participant in the Leadership Niagara Program. I highly recommend the program, excellent for any mid-level leaders looking to gain valuable skills, an extended professional network, and ultimately engage the Niagara community in change.

This month's session was about change leadership and the change cycle.
How appropriate.

I am familiar with the change cycle, but this session really highlighted for me exactly what happened in my decision to step back from my career. Let's look at the stages:

STAGE 1 IS DENIAL. Oh yah. I didn't even realize I was there. I thought my unhappiness was simply a bump in the road. When my son was sick for two months, I chalked it up to my instinct as a mother to be home with my child. I kept telling myself it would pass. Once he got better I briefly questioned whether it was my job that was making my unhappy. I attempted to negociate a drop to part-time work, however it just wasn't meant to be. I spent nearly 6 months in this stage of the change cycle - absolutely in denial of my true feelings and desires.

STAGE 2 IS BETRAYAL. Ah yes. This was the part where I berated myself for even considering the idea of being home with my kids. I told myself I was crazy, that there was no way our family could live on one income. That my skills would date, that I'd never be able to go back to work. And yet during this time I still said to a co-worker (who told me after the announcement was made that I was leaving, I didn't even realize I had said this) that "my greatest wish would be to stay home with my kids." Wow.

3. SELF-DOUBT. Welcome to where I am now. I'm feeling the classic list of symptoms including fear, insecurity and loneliness. It's a bizzare state to be in as I've always considered myself pretty confident in my choices, and in myself (even if I had to 'fake it until you make it'). My feelings have resulted in lots of stress (see previous post below) and I don't even know myself anymore. Very difficult place to be, and I am very thankful that my family and friends continue to be support of me and our family decision.

Next up, provided I make it out of my self-doubt stage, lol, is STEP 4 BEHAVIOR CHANGE. It will be the time where I begin to change my habits, garner some new experience and feel a sense of success in the belief that I made the right change. Heavy stuff. Likely not until I am done work in a couple of months. Let's hope I make it here!

What really stood out to me at this month's session was the idea of transformational change. It's the kind of change where you don't even know you are going. The kind where you know the world as you know it isn't going to be the same, but you really can't suggest the final outcome.

Transformational change "calls for a new level of fearlessness, of innovation and collaboration."
AMEN.