A little about love

I've been thinking about love, lately.
The way it holds my life together.

Love for my kids.
Husband.
Parents.
Family.
Friends.

Love is permission to fall apart.
And know someone is there to hold me.

Love allows me to finish short of my word.
And know all will be forgiven.

Love is being held in a space which says; nothing has to happen right now.
Nothing is perfect and that's ok.
It's ok.
I'm ok.

That's love.

Love is when my heart races with worry.
Love is nagging doubt that I've made the right decision.
Love is hope, when there's nothing else to hold on to.

Love is a state of being where there is warmth.
It's a safe place.
An honest one.

Love permits disagreement, but always with respect.
Love allows anger, but quickly finds forgiveness.
Love is exhausting, for all the right reasons.

I've found, as I've aged, that when I centre on love, I simply cannot go wrong.

Sometimes it's a longer journey.
Sometimes it hurts so much more.
But love, as my reason, my wrapping, my motivation, never leads to regret.

I've lost friends, on account of loving them so much my honest words hurt their feelings.
I've hurt my heart, following hope and forgiveness to a place where I was trampled on.
I've literally lost hours of my life worrying from a place of deep love for others.

But I can say for sure, it was my authentic self.
It was true, honest to goodness love that led my actions.

And so, I'll continue to show up.
Sometimes exhausted, battered and bruised.
Sometimes afraid of speaking the truth.

Because I know this for certain.
I am my most authentic self when my thoughts, words and actions come from my heart centre.
And I do not intend to change this instinct. Ever.

Know this about me;
If you choose to hold space for me, I will for you.
I'm probably already quietly praying for you.

If you need me, I will be there.
In times of great joy, my heart celebrates with you.
And in times of trouble, my heart aches, walking with you.
Even if you don't see me there.
I am.

Love, as I see it, is the single greatest, most honest way to honour the divinity that created me.

And this year, now this new decade, I will no longer feel shameful for sharing it with everyone, every cause, every thing out there in this great big hurting world that needs it.

Love.
Only love today.
Only love every day.
This is my pledge.

xo

Protecting their roots

This year is really stretching my parenting muscles, as my oldest is now eleven. I find it hard to navigate his lived experience with him, as childhood has amplified, as far as I can see.

Children are growing up faster.
Exposed to infinite amounts of knowledge much earlier than I ever was.
Technology is glued to their every day.

Kids are still making mistakes,
but now it's captured on cell phones.
Posted to social media.
Repeated when they don't learn from their mistakes.

Friendships aren't enough to satisfy.
Children yearn for followers.
Online gaming communities.
The social thumbs up.

It's an incredibly fast-paced world for little brains.
More often than not, it's too fast for mine.

And I think to myself,
if cell phone and social media streams can suck the life out of me some days,
bait me with nonsense and trolls,
leave me feeling more worried and angry than before I scrolled,
why on earth would I allow my son to navigate it, now?

Why would I permit 24/7 access to a world of overwhelm?
I've come to feel very strongly otherwise.
It's not yet time to plug in.

He needs family dinners.
Snuggles on the couch.
Time to read, play lego and shoot hoops in the driveway.
Teamwork and leadership at hockey.
Freedom to navigate the library.
Hours spent in nature.

He does not yet need to plug in to a hurting world.

Sample it, sure...

Let's discuss politics.
Trauma.
Death.
Cancer.

Let's explore ethics.
Injustice.
Addiction.
Homelessness.
Sexuality.

Let's learn about mindfulness.
Love.
Peace.
Religion.
Friendship.
Family.

But I've come to believe that my children deserve time to grow.
Engage their own experiences.
Observe life.
Explore.
Before plugging in.

I believe that my children have the right to explore their personal boundaries.
Find their own passions.
Think critically.
Learn.
Before plugging in.

I believe that my children need time to relax without technology.
Play without structure.
Worry less.
Love.
Before plugging in.

I want my son, and all my children, to feel grounded in themselves.
Content to be exactly who they are.
Able to observe the motives of others.
Free to make peaceful choices.
Connected to nature.
Full of faith.

I want them to grow roots in life's natural experience. 

So for now, they won't be plugging in.
There will be no cell phones.
No social media.
Only moderated gaming, tablet use and internet search.

They'll sample it all, absolutely.
We'll discuss, explore and learn.
But they will not plug in.
Not yet.

For now, I'm protecting their roots.

Riding the wave

My anxious thoughts are at an all-year high, right now. I've been riding a wave of some pretty intense feelings.

Anger.
Disappointment.
Exhaustion.
Fear.
Worry.
Sadness.
Grief.

I've been feeling as though I need to make some significant changes in my life. I feel like I am circling this place where I try hard to 'do what's right', it drains me, I get overwhelmed and burn out, then I do it all over again.

My husband mentioned I've slipped away from my meditation practice.
A friend noticed I worry and check in more on my friends than many do on me.
My mom said to stop the chatter in my brain, as best I can.

Noted.


Yet I am still here, wondering about the root of it all.
Why am I feeling so unsettled?

I reach for gratitude.
I have so much to be thankful for.

I lean on love.
My husband and family are 100% holding me up.

I pray.
For patience, peace and so much more.

Yet still, I struggle.
So badly right now, I am struggling.

I love very deeply.
I think very deeply.
I hurt very deeply.

Right now I am so deeply unsettled.

Sometimes, I've noticed, there is no answer.
Only the wave.
Perhaps time.
A return to self-care
Or even some serious sleep to settle me down.

Just know that if you are feeling this way, I am too.
And our mental health matters.
So keep riding the wave.
I'll do the same.

Calm will come soon.
xo


 

The perfect summer of unbusy

This summer I've realized how often I was sitting on the sidelines of life.

Waiting for the perfect moment.

The perfect body.

The perfect amount of energy.

The perfect time.

I think sometimes I fell into a cycle of unworthiness in my own head.

Crazy how powerful our minds are.

I wasn't skinny enough.

Strong enough.

Fun enough.

Its not what moms say.

Or do.

Or what my friends say, or do.

Others are better at it than me.

Look better than me.

Should be doing those things, not me.

And this summer the cycle is slowly breaking wide open.

The amount of downtime our family has had so far is unprecedented.

We swim daily, sometimes two or three times in a day.

We have lazy mornings.

Time to read.

Less to do.

More time to just be, together.

It's helped me realize that perfect is now.

Right now.

That embracing life for exactly what it is now, is brilliant.

And gratitude overwhelms for all the right reasons.

Sometimes we are busy. 

But right now, not so much.

And the gift of unbusy is just as special, perhaps even more so, than the gift of busy.

I'm realizing that unbusy is not lazy.

Its absolutely not.

It's a gift.

The flow of life.

The calm before life's next storm.

It's perfect.

And I'm not going to sit on the sidelines and miss another opportunity to embrace it.

I'm going to be the only mom in the pool.

The mom who models a love of reading.

The mom who doesn't feel guilty when dinner is grilled cheese and apples.

The woman who throws down a brilliant cannonball because she has nearly 30 years of practice in the same pool.

The woman who thinks less about her every move, and lives more fully.

The women who is done worrying about how she looks in a dang bathing suit.

Seriously done worrying about it.

A woman who loves harder by doing.

Who embraces unbusy.

Who rides this summer wave with gratitude.

Because it won't be long until the heat is gone.

The mom taxi is back in action.

Work becomes overwhelming.

And a new wave, called busy, calls me to change my stance and find new reasons to be happy.

All over again <3

 

#gratitude #summertime #lifelessons #unbusy



Photo courtesy @becomingunbusy: https://www.facebook.com/BecomingUnbusy/



 

Bloom

I think it's time for me to share this with you;

You weren't meant for that journey.
As much as it hurts.
As much as you were left behind.
As much as you stand to the side, watching the game wondering why you weren't chosen to play.

You have been planted elsewhere.

Please know this;
Your trajectory is different.
Your destination, my goodness my dear, it's so far and beyond anything you ever dreamed possible.

So while right now,
today,
you feel forgotten about.

Bruised.
Unwanted.

The world has got your back.
I've got your back.
And we must trust, hand in hand, that life has bigger, better plans for you.

You will rise.

Shine.
Bloom.

 Exactly where you were planted.

A day in the life of a food allergy family

On Sunday we visited Toronto for the day as a family. It went like this...

Transportation: Discussion about the choice of train vs driving in the event of an allergic reaction; what are the logistics of being in Toronto without our van, should Ethan end up at the hospital?

At breakfast: Was that dairy butter knife clean when placed in the jar of peanut butter? Yes. Am I sure? Yes. Perfect, no cross contamination risk. Don't forget to wash hands after handing Nolan the milk container, before emptying the dishwasher, to avoid contamination. Don't forget to put the milk back opposite Ethan's favourite apple juice boxes and apple sauce.

After breakfast: Snacks to pack... what will make Ethan feel special if he cannot safely eat in Toronto? What can I bring that is nutritious in case he doesn't feel safe eating lunch while there? Epi-pens packed, check again. And again. Discuss food alternatives with Ethan, inquire how he's feeling about the trip.

The train ride up: Who sat there before? What did they eat? Remind Ethan not to put his hands in his mouth. (The train ride back... same)

At the aquarium: Ethan touches every button in the place, and I wonder if he'll break out in hives. Also wonder how the heck he can be so joyous on the playground when all I see are toddlers with goldfish crackers in one hand and the stairs railing in the other. Promise myself not to let my anxious thoughts ruin his perfect childhood bliss.

Safely eating at the Rogers Centre

Food: Two phone calls to Aramark at the Rogers Centre to find out about food ingredients in hopes Ethan had a safe choice. Relief that he did. Fear of cross contamination. Waiting in line (too long, always) only to slow it down more by asking for a manager to re-review Ethan's meal plan and view the ingredients list right on the product packaging. Snap a photo in case. Ethan receives chicken tenders, apple juice and kettle chips. Cloud nine. Jay and I ask him at least twice each if he feels ok. Proceed to eat pizza slice, worry about contaminating knapkins, drinks or Ethan's food with my fingers.

In our seats at the Blue Jay's game: Brookie and I have ice cream, sit with a gap seat to 'protect' Ethan. Feel guilty he can't enjoy a treat as nothing is safe on the menu. Offer candy, after finishing ice cream and cleaning hands. Joke with Ethan that now I cannot kiss him with ice cream mouth, but truly wonder how long I have to wait to kiss my own kid. Neighbouring kid sits down with ice cream beside Ethan and I pray it won't drop on his lap.

Back in the van: THANK GOD. Relief sitting back in our van. Deep relief. Safe space. Exhale.

At home: Quick meal of leftovers. Wished we could have stopped for food but know that would have created more anxious thoughts and risk for Ethan. Oh... school trip money is due. Sit down to pay, review another school activity which includes food that Ethan cannot safely eat. Feel angry that he cannot participate as other kids can. Is this how disability feels? He doesn't have a choice. There is zero accommodation. Safety first.

Bedtime: Prayers of thanks for a wonderful day of memories made. Extra gratitude for keeping Ethan safe and additional prayer that his angels help him avoid anaphylaxis in the future.

Do you worry about your child's every morsel of food? I do.
Do you worry that the next phone call from school will be a message that your child is on route to the hospital? I do.
Do your children worry their sibling will die?  Mine do.
Do your partner and you regularly discuss matters of food safety, hospital access and life saving medication to prevent your child from the possibility of death? We do.

The truth is, anaphylaxis is an invisible disability. It is a chronic disease which regularly puts our son at risk. And power, for a food allergy family, comes in both the ability to manage the allergy safely as well as the ability to live life to the fullest, regardless of the risk.

Please take some time to really educate yourself and your children about the importance of caring for others with food allergies. It could safe a life.

#foodallergies #anaphylaxis #faam #dairyallergy

Cruise Control

I'm often asked why I 'only' work part time. 

I've been told its not right, not best for my family for me to 'waste' my education and experience. 

I've been told I should strive for more money.

A bigger house. More frequent vacations.

Nicer brand name clothing and renovations to our aging home.

I've been told I'm not enough.

Inferred lazy.

Less than.

I've been told my kids need to 'suck it up' and go to day care like 'most kids do'. I've been told they will never survive the 'real world' when they get older if I continue to 'coddle them' by being home more than the average mom.

I've been told many not so nice things. Been judged. 

Questioned myself repeatedly for my choices as a mother.

Spent many days wondering if I'm doing it all wrong.

Then, you know what?

Days like today happen.

Epic full driveway hopscotch made by three awesome kids.

And this is what matters.

This is the privilege I am witness to.

Time at home afterschool to unwind.

Unstructured play.

Sibling friendships.

You see, our family has lived with plenty of fear the last three years.

Cancer. 

Anaphylaxis.

Home invasion.

My kids worry about dying.

Being without one another.

Eating food that makes them sick.

Going to the hospital.

Coming home to another broken front door and missing piggy banks.

Robbers.

My kids have been through enough to know what makes them feel safe, and what doesn't.

Home, together, is their happy place.

Second only to, together, on an adventure.

So for now I will continue to trade money for time. 

Career advancement for memories.

Fast track for cruise control.

And someday when they've all left the nest perhaps I'll climb that ladder, pursue that masters or even purchase that indulgence I've daydreamed of owning.

Until then, I do not apologize.

I've taken the path less travelled for good reason.

We are anchored at home.

Appreciate life more than most.

Feel Safe.

Today I am grateful for the privilege of cruise control.

Three healthy kids.

One amazing husband.

An afterschool spent at home.

We all make choices.

This is mine. Ours.