A letter to my kids

Dear Nolan, Brooklyn and Ethan,

It's been a pretty great year, hasn't it? I wanted to take some time to share with you a few things I learned in 2015, now that it's coming to a close. I hope that someday you'll read this and find some comfort in these lessons.

First Lesson
The first lesson that's really stuck with me this year is the importance of taking care of my heart and soul, my spiritual self. You see, when you all came into my life, my focus really shifted from being Pam to being your mom. In doing so, I naturally put my needs at the bottom of my priority list. Slowly but surely I lost myself, my interests and hobbies, my personal passions, and began to carry around guilt any time I prioritized my own well being. Leaving my full time career further resulted in less time for self, and while I have been incredibly blessed to be your full time caregiver and mama, somewhere in the last four years I lost myself as a woman and spiritual being.

The big lesson I've discovered is this: I am a much better mother when I take time for myself each and every week, aiming for daily whenever possible. This might be a simple guided meditation, reading, creative writing or even putting you all in front of the TV so I can cook alone in the kitchen. I have discovered that dedication to self is not selfish, but one of the most outwardly beneficial choices I have made for our family. Remember this, as you juggle and prioritize in the future.

Second Lesson
Believe it or not, I learned a lot about hair this year. Weird, right?

One of my newest friends, a dance mama met at Brooklyn's dance studio, taught me that hair should be embraced, regardless of what it looks like. She lost hers during her battle with breast cancer, and as she fought her butt off this last year to kick cancer to the curb, her determination to be well really struck me. I used to spend so much time complaining about my 'boring straight hair', yet she was without any at all. As this year went on, Brookie and I decided to grow and donate ours, as a way to honour our awesome new friend. Of course Brooklyn had no problem at all cutting 12 inches off and rocking an adorable bob, but here I am, still growing it (almost 10 inches now) and every single time I want to cut it off because its driving me nuts, every time I see a shiny little grey staring back at me in the mirror, I think of my new friend. Her determination to be well. Her passionate zest for life.

You see, hair will grow, be cut, grey and maybe even recede over time, but in the grand scheme of things, embracing it in whatever shape, form or length you are given will remind you to focus on the great gifts in your life, not vanity in the mirror. Remember that even without an ounce of hair on your head you will be loved, honoured and cherished in every way.

Third Lesson
Remember when we decided to adopt Mae earlier this year? Remember how excited we all were and how much we instantly fell in love with her? Well guess what? Daddy and I struggled every single day for the first two months after bringing her home. Accidents in the house. Biting incidents. One food challenge with Moe resulting in curled lips and scary growls. Midnight barking fits begging to go outside because she ate something she shouldn't have earlier in the night.

Adopting an animal is NOT EASY. Let me repeat this. Adopting a pet is INSANELY DIFFICULT. The emotional toll of integrating animals into a family home is not an experience to be taken lightly. Having said that, as an adult, not all of your decisions will have everyone standing behind you in agreement. Sometimes you must go with your gut instinct, find the tools you need to make your instinct a reality and let the rest go. It's really tough, but remember that when you are faced with a decision, make it a quickly as possible and then forget it. The moment of absolute certainty never arrives.

Now, six months later, I feel in my heart that little miss Mae was brought into our lives to teach all three of you a lesson in unconditional love. What it looks like, how difficult it can be, and (hopefully) the pay off when you put your heart and soul into making something's life better than it ever imagined was possible.

Fourth Lesson
Lastly, and most importantly, this year your Daddy and I learned an enormous lesson about our relationship. You likely never noticed, but this year was incredibly difficult for us. There was a very long, three month period of time when I wasn't working. This meant we lived on one income, which paid our bills just fine but left us without a single extra cent for anything else. Our savings filled the gap for the first seven weeks or so, but after that your Daddy and I were overcome with worry, anxiety and the feeling of intense failure.

Here's the cool part; in the face of very negative circumstances, we were rock solid. We didn't fight, hold grudges or blame each other. In fact the opposite occurred. We held each other tighter, cried together and worked hand in hand to make significant changes to our financial future. In hindsight, we were gifted this challenge to show us the depth of our relationship and love for one another. Your Daddy is my best friend, and I pray each of you will meet someone equally wonderful someday down the road.

So there you have it kiddos, Mommy sure has learned a lot this year. Life continues to supply its challenges but when I choose radical acceptance of the situation I have discovered an ability to more calmly and assertively respond to any challenge set before me.

You three are my obsession.
My every moment is consumed with my love for each one of you.
It is my daily prayer that you will each grow in love of self, our family and of your very blessed life.
I pray your spirituality will also grow in whichever way you feel called.
And my goal as your mom is to continuously show you that kindness, compassion and grace will always lead you down the righteous path.

All my love, forever and always.
xoxo
Mommy