A letter to my sister

I drove over to my sister-in-law's place Sunday night. Long story short, I missed my Goddaughter's baptism celebration because my wee man was sick. My brother-in-law offered me a beer, not my style anymore (I must be getting old) so I settled for a coke. When I popped open the tab, she asked, 'who are you sharing a coke with?'

I peeked at the side of the can and it said, sister.

Yup, I sure was. And the rest of her gorgeous family. It got me to thinking, we've shared an awful lot these last 13 years...

Her first keg party and my home-hosted event.
Graduations.
Movies.
Slopitch games.
Family vacations.
Blue Jays games.
America's Next Top Model.
Shopping.
Ok, lots of shopping.
Tapas.
Our weddings.
Bridal and baby showers.
Our neighbourhood.
Our neighbourhood school.
Play dates.
So You Think You Can Dance.
Meals.
Baking.
Birthday parties.
Dance parties.
Late night walks.

More importantly, we've shared our journey as mothers.

Two pregnancies in tandem.
Seven beautiful children in total.
Gripes over swollen feet, giant boobs and clothes that didn't fit.
Slurpee, ice cream and candy cravings.
Tears.
Panic over unknown illnesses, bumps on the head and fevers.
Joy in first steps, words and smiles.
Pure exhaustion.
The baby blues.
Money, and the lack of it available to make ends meet.
Discipline.
Disappointment.
Grief.

BBM conversations at nearly every hour of the day and night, about the highs and lows of our day. About our lacking desire to be a mom. About our amazing kids. About the incredible heartache of losing a daughter and niece. About being fully convinced that our children were going to push us to the brink of insanity.

We've laughed as much as we've cried.
We've shared brilliant days and many difficult, if not painful ones.
We've borrowed strength, shared hugs and reminded each other we are never alone.

Last May, two births. One enormous loss. Grief. Rage. Guilt.
This May, one birth. One first birthday on earth, one in heaven. More grief. More guilt.

What a journey.

My sister,

This last year has bonded us in a way most will never fully understand. I will never, ever forget that day. Seeing you walk up my driveway, tears streaming down your face. The following days of waiting, praying, induction, early morning conversation and the moment little Kinsley's photo popped up on my phone. I wanted to run down to that hospital and hold her, hug you and carry your broken heart.

Your boys are my sons. Your daughters, mine too. Your angel in heaven makes her presence known in my home, and she watches over all of our children each and every day. We are one big family.

I love you, my sister. And I want you to know that I couldn't do this thing... this mama thing... without you.

xoxo

End of an era

It happened today.

I set our infant car seat out for garbage, expired and worn.

I really didn't think the garbage man would take it, but I knew it was time to come to terms with not requiring it any longer. So I set it out there.

I was hoping someone would pick it up and take it, even though it was expired. Maybe someone could repurpose it, recycle it, memorialize it for me.

I didn't expect the garbage man to take it.

Then, as the kids and I ate lunch, the garbage truck pulled up.

And he took it.

He took the infant seat. Threw it into the back of his truck and drove off.

Whoa. The tears began flowing. I scared the kids even.

I tried to explain it, how hard it is for mommy to see them grow up so quickly. I tried to tell them I was just sad that time keeps passing and they keep getting bigger.

Then Nolan got it. "Mom, I understand. You are sad because we all sat in that seat right?"

Yup. Cue the tears again.


 Postscript: My nephew used this seat also, between Brooklyn and Ethan, here's a photo

Honouring Kinsley

Today we will remember and honour Kinsley and send our hearts up high.

Today she will celebrate turning one in heaven with Pop and all who have gone before us.

Today we will shed tears, smile at her beautiful photos and hug our family a little tighter.

But today will not unfold like it did this day last year.

Today John and Carly will bring home their beautiful little baby girl.

Today they will snuggle her, kiss her, feed her and welcome her home.

One year ago they lost. And today they will not.

Today they will know that Kinsley is their angel daughter, meant to watch over and protect.

To whisper in their ear and bring on light during difficult times.

We will always remember. We will never forget.

We will love Arabella not only for her own beautiful and perfect self, but for her sister who never had the opportunity to be here with us.

xoxo

Enjoying the sweetness along the way

Two years of freelancing and it's become apparent to me, it's all in the transitions.

You see, life as a work at home parent is much more complicated than when I worked full time. It used to be drop off kids - 8 to 10 hours of work - pick up kids from day care. Hard, yes, but hindsight now highlights the straightforwardness of that lifestyle.

In my world, a 'work day' is more like 13 to 18 hours...

Kids to drop off.
Race to a meeting.
Kids to pick up two hours later.
Lunch.
Prep dinner.
Nurse baby.
Get to class. Teach all afternoon.
Home.
Kids to keep busy.
Dinner.
Bath.
Bed.
Work.
Calm crying child.
Work.
Listen to snoring husband.
Work.
Bed.

Throw a couple of loads of laundry in there, maybe a few nursing sessions and even the odd unannounced neighbour visit and I'm telling ya, life is waaayyy busier than I ever imagined.

The most difficult part of any given day is transitioning from mom to teacher to professional to mom to wife to mom again. Sometimes, in just one hour, I am expected to pick up two kids with the baby in tow, get lunch on the table, eat, nurse a baby, prep the crockpot for dinner, make myself up to look appropriate for the classroom and get out the door without losing my mind. I'm not going to lie, it's a certified gong show most days.

Then I remember the hummingbird. The beautiful, free flying bird who is different than most. Able to fly forwards and backwards, that little beauty works hard, stays focused and enjoys sweetness along the way.

I am grounded.
This is my path.
Each day is meant to be.
Each challenge a lesson.
Hugs, kisses and cuddles are my sweetness to be enjoyed.
I am a hummingbird.

I'm very proud to celebrate two years of this exhausting, yet incredibly satisfying lifestyle as a freelance work-at-home parent of three gorgeous little people. Truth is, without my village I'd never have made it. To all my supportive family members and friends, thank you. Thank you for cheering me on, putting my dirty dishes in the sink, making me laugh, letting me cry and most of all, for loving me and my children every single day of the last two years.

And to you, my dear husband. I love you.
And your snoring.
Every single day for the rest of our lives.
This last year has made us stronger, a little chubbier and most of all grateful for each other's loving arms and snuggles.
I wouldn't... no couldn't, do this with anyone else.
xoxo

It won't be long

The last few weeks have been increasingly difficult for me. My mama strength is depleted, leaving me exhausted and low on patience. After a particularly exhausting dinner on Monday, my dear mother pointed out that I should enjoy the insanity as someday the silence would sound deafening. It got me to thinking...

I should embrace the meltdowns at dinner time, because it won't be long before she is too worried about her weight to eat.

I should embrace his face all lit up when he talks about fire trucks, because it won't be long before video games become his favourite pastime.

I should embrace the early morning baby feedings, because it won't be long before our quiet cuddles are replaced with sleepovers away from home.

I should embrace the meltdowns over who gets to wash their hands first, and in which bathroom, because it won't be long before they aren't home at lunch to eat together.

I should embrace the tears over unwelcome meals, broken lego and bedtime, because it won't be long before tears are shed over first loves, first lovers squarrels and first loves lost.

I should embrace the dark circles and puffy eyes from the very little, broken sleep patterns of these early years, because it won't be long before missed curfews and drunken experiments leave crows feet and worry lines.

I should embrace the chaotic sounds of three children talking over one another, because it won't be long before they don't want to talk to each other, or me, at all.

Most of all, I realize I should embrace the now.

I will move from 'should' to 'will' embrace our crazy, chaotic life. I will accept and find peace in knowing my children are smart, confident and loving in every way.

Mom - you always know just what to say.
xo

Love you heaps and heaps

On February 13th my dear Grandmother passed away. Just a day before Valentines, it seemed so perfect that she was able celebrate her second favourite holiday in heaven, reunited with her husband, my Grandfather. I was very honoured to say a few words at her funeral...

As one of the few grandkids who grew up 'in the city', my memories of Gramma don't include time on the farm as most others do. Instead, Gram and I bonded over shopping trips, doctors visits and stops at the bank which always began with Gramma's classic remark, 'buckle the baby in' when I'd latch her seat belt.

No trip was complete without a stop at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet. Admittedly, it was her and my favourite lunch spot. She always requested a take-out box for her crusts, to take back to Pepper on the farm. I'd just smile politely at the waitress, hoping she'd realize the innocence of her request. Once, when Gram was denied her box, she simply wrapped her crusts in a knapkin and shoved them into her purse. Classic Gramma, she always found a way.

As Gramma aged, I became married and started a family. Our afternoon trips together were replaced with weekly phone calls. She'd ask about my life, the kids and of course, my husband Jay. She loved Jay, loved to banter and giggle with him. Sometimes she'd flat out end our conversations just to speak with him, which always made me laugh.  Our phone calls always ended with 'I love you heaps and heaps and bushels and pecks.' I admired this about her, she never hesitated to tell you she loved you.

Following the birth of my first son, Nolan, she said matter-of-factly said to me, 'If you don't be careful, it will happen again!', to which I laughed and told her I'd take that into consideration. She knew she was right, and eventually she was able to meet my daughter Brooklyn, who she always called Britney, no matter how hard she tried to remember it. She loved to snuggle my kids, tickle them and share her new stuffed animals won at Albright bingo with them. Seeing my children brought her joy, it was always written all over her face.

One Sunday afternoon, while visiting her at Albright, she asked me when the third baby was coming. I laughed, telling her there would be no more, that the world was built for a family of four and as such, my family was complete. As I responded oh so politically, she looked at me and said, 'Are you sure?'... she knew, she could see in my eyes that I wanted another. Well she was right again and was overjoyed to meet Ethan last year. And of course, she didn't hesitate to tell me she told me so!

Motherhood bonds women, even generations apart. Seeing Grams kids surround her with such love and deep compassion, filled my heart with joy this week, despite the difficult circumstances. As a mother I knew how much those bed side hand squeezes, hugs and kisses meant to her during this last week. I am proud to say  that her children (my parents, aunts and uncles) are my family too. There is no doubt in my mind that Gram left this world knowing she was very deeply loved.

Yesterday her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren gathered together and spent most of the day reminiscing and laughing about their favourite memories of Gramma. The enormity of her legacy really hit me yesterday as I listened to all the excited voices.

Gramma, and Grandpa, gave us the gift of family.
A big one.
Beautiful, talented, loving and inspired.
Full of energy, passion and drive.

Where some would say Gram was stubborn, I'd suggest that her strong will and perseverance was built into many of us and is part of the reason for our personal and professional success to date. Our big, beautiful family tree grew from a place of love, laughter and hard work. And we have her and Grandpa to thank for that gift.

Gram will be missed, but I take peace in knowing she is reunited with Grandpa and Scott up in heaven - we sent her up there with a big pile of hugs for each of them.

Her spirit will live on every time we take a moment to tell each other we love them heaps and heaps. And in the end, what's more important than that?

A special thank you to my dear family and friends (who are an extension of my family) for all their love, prayers and support this last week. You are incredible, much love to each of you. xo

Reflecting on 2013...

It's been quite the year.

Loss. Grief. Joy. Exhaustion.
And a giant helping of survivor's guilt.

Pop passed away this spring, after a very lengthy, very painful battle with cancer. The C word. I've never disliked it more. And while Pop did not get a chance to build relationships with his great-grandchildren, he did leave behind a childhood of memories for Jay. Fishing, fishing and more fishing. Sunday afternoon phone calls to give Jay crap about his football team. Telling us to 'drive 'er easy' each time we parted ways. His deliberate withdrawal late in life gave way to a now constant sense of his spirit in our home. We ask him for help in times of trouble and know he isn't far away. Sometimes we still expect him to call.

Our family also grieved a whole different kind of loss, when our dear niece Kinsley was born sleeping on May 23rd. To say we were devastated is an understatement. Our entire family was preparing to welcome her with open arms, to embrace her as the wonderful gift we knew she was. To lose her, to never see or hold her, well that's just not fair. I've never felt so tested in my faith, I have asked God why more times than I can count. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law amaze me with their courage and strength. I pray for them every single day, hug them whenever they'll let me (ok, I'm  hugger!) and remind my kids all the time of their special angel cousin in heaven. She will NEVER be forgotten.

And then there was joy. Elation for the birth of our third child, our final child, Ethan John. I'd always pictured a little boy named Ethan, and as with our other children, we chose John as his 'angel name' in honour of Pop. He didn't exactly arrive as we expected him to (that's a story for another day) but his soul shines brightly, his eyes tell me there is something special about his presence. Our son is perfect in every way. Beautiful and sweet, loving and smart. He completed our family in an instant, and has brought intense joy to his siblings, father and I.

The juxtaposition of the last two events have left me with, what can only be called, survivors guilt. Intense guilt. Heavy, thick pain which runs deep in my chest. As I reflect on milestone dates with Ethan, I weep knowing Kinsley will not celebrate them. When I hold my son close in the wee hours of the morning I hold back tears as my thoughts drift to how my sister-in-law was feeling during her brief time with K. My heart aches, I melt into a puddle of mush weekly as I feel guilt for posting photos, spilling news about new food triumphs and his ever-increasing weight. My child survived. And it hurts more than I ever dreamed possible. I can only hope time will ease this pain.

In the fall we got our family "legs" back, so I took an opportunity to try something new - part-time instructing at Niagara College. The last four months of 2013 became a true test of endurance as I attempted to balance too many hours of freelance work, teaching, full-time care of my kids and, oh ya, my wee man and his increasing appetite. I lost my evenings, weekends and connection to my husband and kids. I took my first meeting one-week post c-section, in sweatpants because nothing fit. It was a very intense time for our family, one which we will never choose again. I felt exhausted and surprisingly, very lonely. Our family lost our sense of balance and realized we had slipped back to the very reason I left my full-time career in the first place. Lesson learned.

In 2014 I will strive for peace. Peace in my body, heart and peace in my mind. I've vowed to take better care of myself. To forgive my body for its current shape, to drop the negative thoughts wasting space in my brain and to work to release the guilt in my heart. No easy task, but one I take on with focus and determination.

This year has taught me, more than ever before, that life should be embraced. It is short enough to warrant shoestring vacations (hint hint honey), late night movies on the couch with my kids and long distance phone calls to friends who I consider an extension of my family.

Much love to our village for supporting us through this very busy, life-altering year. All the best for an incredible 2014.

xo