To be more peaceful

It's been some time since I wrote.
In many ways its been a purposeful move.

I have little to say.
Correction.
I have few positive feelings to speak about.

Truth is, this fall has been very hard on our family.
Brooklyn is experiencing symptoms similar to PTSD... generalized anxiety, fear of being alone or in the dark, exaggerated startle response, refusal to discuss her trauma and deeply negative emotions.

She recently expressed to me that she 'feels happy on the outside, but sad on the inside.'

At play therapy this week she worked with a sand seive, choosing to place 'heavy things' onto its plastic surface. Coffins, tombstones, fences, doors and houses were chosen over people, strollers, and other more happy items.

Its horrifying.
A six year old should not feel this way.

Should not literally freeze up and be unable to walk when asked to visit the doctor.
Should not scream and cry when someone knocks at the front door.
Should not be worrying about the cancer coming back.

But she is.
And we are struggling to manage.

Tonight, her big brother broke down in tears as he recounted how he feels like the last to receive love and help. Suggested two kids would be better because then he wouldn't have to wait for us to read to him at bedtime. He cried when I admitted his sister is very sad. That her fears are real and its ok for him to feel sad too.

That I feel sad too.

Truth is, we are struggling.
I am struggling so badly.
I can't even articulate my emotions.
But I am weak. Tired. Foggy again.

We are fighting the aftermath of cancer.
For me, it feels like waiting for it all to happen again.
For her to relapse.

Over the next four weeks Brooklyn will complete a plethora of tests including an EEG, ECHO and MRI to determine if she is having small seizures, if her lymph nodes have enlarged beyond 3cm, if her heart is causing her dizzy spells or the cancer has returned.

We are quietly fighting.
Still fighting.

And so we pray for strength and love.
And we ask for your patience.
We do not feel ourselves.

In the words of Brooklyn, when asked what emotion she'd like more of, we'd really like 'to be more peaceful.'
Here's hoping that Christmas brings just that.

<3 <3 <3

#TeamBrookie  #WarriorPrincess