January's Jaw

January's jaw is wide open.
This is the month that opens the wound with one swift bite.

Flashbacks.
Restless nights.
Foggy days.
Broken heart aches.
Tears.

So many tears.

Today alone, I was observing a physio demonstration and - FLASH - I was back in the physio room with Brooklyn, urging her to step up and down, up and down. Her wound fresh, her pain intolerable.

At dinner, Brooklyn mentioned the show Little Charmers to her brother and - FLASH - I was back in her tiny private bathroom with her, watching the show, listening to her singing away while she tried to get her bowels moving after surgery.

I opened up Facebook and read a post about a new comic book themed around conquering the dreaded MRI machine and - FLASH - there we are, again. And again. And later this spring, again.

My local childhood cancer support group sent an invitation for a pre-valentine's baking event to surprise families in hospital and - FLASH - it's Valentine's Day, we're decorating cupcakes delivered by child life to our room and cutting hearts to adorn her IV pole.

Brooklyn just called for me, it's been an hour since I said goodnight but she's still awake - FLASH - I'm back in her room, dark and buzzing, feeling more alone and terrified than I ever imagined possible.

This is real life, returned.
Three years ago this Sunday, Brooklyn was diagnosed with cancer.

Neuroblastoma. Stage One.

Unfortunately this time of year brings it all back.
It hurts all over again.
It torments my days and nights.
My thoughts, my dreams.

And while Brooklyn is a survivor, and life continues to present itself with joyous moments, tremendous blessings and so much love, cancer still lives here.

So the tears, they will fall.

But I promise to keep going. I continue to quietly hold the hands of every childhood cancer parent, old and new, as we navigate this journey together.

#teambrookie #warriorprincess #childhoodcancer #survivor

New Year, New Focus

As always, January is a time of new goals, resolutions and mantras.

I love the way a new year freshens my thoughts, pauses for my reflection and excites my heart with potential. It's something I truly look forward to every year.

This year is no exception.

Life has provided me many opportunities to grow, struggles to learn from and trauma to test me. Yet I am still motoring along. Some days on cruise, others smashing around in the potholes and the odd day with a flat tire on the side of the road.

But I am still motoring.
And I love the feeling of moving ahead.

This year, I'm focusing my energy on a few areas.

First, I'm letting go of expectations. Mostly of others, I've realized that much of my suffering in 2018 (ruminating thoughts, anxiety, feeling left out, worrying about how others will react) came from my deep-seeded beliefs about how people should act, or react to certain situations.

In 2019, I've decided that every time I feel disappointed in someone or in a situation, I am going to ask myself where I've placed expectations on others. I will notice them, be curious about why I've quietly expected certain things, then let them go. I hope this will free up my brain to relax more and be present in the moment.

Secondly, I am determined to be more assertive, with loving kindness always at the heart of my words. I am not a fan of conflict, in fact I usually clam up and become passive aggressive, or avoid avoid avoid whatever is making my uncomfortable. I love to write and reflect on paper, but immediately addressing issues with my voice is very hard for me to do.

In 2019, I am determined to speak up more often. When I feel something is unjust, wrongly operating or simply unbalanced, I will notice the feeling of my heart racing and my jaw clenching. I will find a way to address the situation with a tone of love and respect, using kind words to elicit authentic conversation. I want to be braver in the face of conflict.

Lastly, I am going to say no to things that drain my energy and spirit. This is a super hard one for me, as I am very much a people pleaser. I hate to admit this, but I spend HOURS, at times, considering what others want from me and trying to live up to their expectations. I have frequently said yes to things in the past which I knew would absolutely ruin my energy, drain my spirit and require me a week's worth of time to recover from, just to make others happy.

In 2019, I am going to boldly, and with love, pull back from those things which make drain me. I'd like more energy in my life, more self-fuel for writing, reading and exploring my passions. I'm scared to be selfish but also excited to say that this year I want to put myself first more often and consider what I need to fill my spiritual and energy buckets.

So in 2019, my anchor words are

expectations
assertive
energy

And my anchor quote is

'let go and love more'

These are my post-it notes, my bookmarks for every day of this wonderful, glorious year ahead. It is my hope that as a result of this work, I will grow into a better mom, wife, friend and human <3

#selfreflection #selflove #letgo #love #behumble #bekind