Monday, December 3, 2012

Poverty, uniforms and Christmas clothes

Last week our local Catholic School Board passed a motion to bring a standardized dress code (read: uniforms) to all elementary schools, beginning next September. The Policy wording states that their goal is to create a 'unified sense of belonging for all students' and 'equalize all students regardless of a family's socio-economic background.'

I understand the appeal, I went to a high school with uniforms and loved them. I didn't have to consider what I what to wear on any given morning, nor did I worry about whether it had the right label on it or not. Unfortunately, this only counted for tops and bottoms - shoes were still an important designation of 'coolness' as was jewellry, coats, backpacks and the like. Uniforms didn't exactly create a unified school - there were still jocks, geeks and mean girls. student council types, prefects, drama kids and the football team. Regardless of what went on your body, you were judged based on the classes you frequented, the friends you hung out with and whether or not you skipped on 'skip day.' Oh, the pressure.

Fast forward and here I am, a 30-year old parent with two lovely kiddos (and a third on the way). I very much value the Catholic school system as I love that each day my son (in afternoons JK) learns not only his ABCS, but about the role of faith in his every day life. He has made the transition to student with relative ease; making friends, learning without disrupting others and even (gasp) completing homework on occasion.

Ironically, my son is attending the same school as I did many years ago. This school is set in a small corner of a very tight-knit community, touting many blue collar workers and a large variety of families. We consider ourselves 'average', whatever that means. We are not wealthy, but we are able to put food on the table and send our children to swimming lesssons. We are not hung up on brands, however I do prefer to purchase quality children's clothing and shoes. I'll even admit I shop mostly in the USA, as the cost of orthopaedic shoes is less than half the cost as in our neck of the woods. I can easily outfit my children for $10-15 per day, and quality clothes that wash and wear well are only replaced when they no longer fit or are appropriate for the ever-changing seasons.

So why the beef with uniforms? Good question.

Part of me is concerned about the ongoing cost of regulated clothing. I appreciate that the School Board revised the policy to state that certain colours and styles are required, not one brand of embroidered top and bottom. Yet, can I seriously outfit my children at my self-imposed price point, all season long? Inevitably they grow, more often at the most inconvenient times. How often and how many of each item will be required?

I'm also worried about my son's reaction to the news that his favourite fire truck shirts and shoes are no longer welcome at school. Most parents rely on the ability to convince a child it's time to get dressed because there's a flashy (insert fun character here) shirt at hand if they listen the first time and get dressed. How do I explain that his teachers are allowed to wear whatever colour of tops and bottoms they'd like to, while he must sport navy or white tops and navy bottoms regardless of what strikes his fancy that morning. I can't even imagine what his little sister is going to do without the ability to wear pink daily.

Mostly I worry that uniforms are just an excuse, another opportunity to 'mask' the poverty that exists in our school system, in every system. I honestly don't remember the clothes my classmates wore in elementary school, however I do remember the student with elastic bands holding his shoes together, as well as the classmate who smelled so bad no-one would sit near him. This is the side of poverty that uniforms simply cannot unify.

I distinctly remember a child, in my grade three class, who ran around for weeks before Christmas shouting "Christmas clothes! Christmas clothes!" whenever we spoke about the holidays and our pending school Christmas concert. We jeered him I'm sad to say, as he seemed to sing-song it wherever he went. For YEARS this was a commonly used joke in my class, as eventually that student moved away. I'm sure I even taught my brother the sing-song at some point.

What I realize now, as an adult, is that this child only received new clothes at Christmas. But once a year. He was so excited for his 'Christmas Clothes!' because he lived in such poverty that new clothes were out of the question. My heart sinks now when I think of this child, what a life he must have led.

Would uniforms have made his life better or worse? I don't know the answer to that but I do know that if my teachers and perhaps even my parents had really listened and realized the underlying issue in this little school yard joke - we, at age 8, did not understand what poverty was - then perhaps this child would have celebrated without judgement or jeering from his peers.

Poverty exists in our own school, our community and beyond. We need to teach our children what it looks and feels like in order to support their acceptance of others less fortunate than ourselves.

Uniforms or not, my children will understand that while they cannot always change the cycle of poverty, they will be required to support their peers, regardless of whether or not they have new clothes at Christmas time.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Secret exhaustion!

I've fallen off the 'map' so to speak, with more than one of my dearest relationships. Suffice to say it's been an incredible ride these last two months... September and early October brought me two major event-related projects that ate massive amounts of my personal time. Personal time is a bit of a joke as it is, as my decision to be home with my kids was a conscious trade-off of my time for more intimate family time on a daily basis. More kids, less mommy.

My hubby can vouch for me. I've spent more time working away on my computer, as well as away from my kiddies at meetings, than I ever imagined possible in such a short time span. As a work-at-home mother I knew these days would come, I just didn't imagine having to do it with a secret level of exhaustion.

I know this exhaustion well. It's the fall-asleep-while-watching-cartoons-with-the-kids, can't-get-my head-off-the-pillow-in-the-morning, begging-for-a-nap kind of exhaustion. It compounds by the day, then week, then month. It leaves my brain foggy, my eyes rounded with dark circles and my body absolutely terrified to do anything at all but sit still.

I know this exhaustion well because I've done it twice before.

This exhaustion is the most beautiful, blessed kind of suffering.

It's first trimester exhaustion.

Jay, Nolan, Brooklyn and I are VERY EXCITED to announce that we're expecting baby #3 next May!!

Please forgive me if I've fallen off the map these last few months. I gave every last moment of energy to paid projects and let the rest fall away... survival mode I guess...

God has blessed our family in a way I never dreamed was actually possible. My prayers of thanks and tears of joy haven't stopped since the moment we found out we were expecting...

Luckiest. Family. Ever.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Lovely Lovies

I just had to share this video I saw yesterday, I've been thinking about it ever since.


The video is about a little boy who lost his lovey, affectionately named 'Ah-Ah', many years earlier on a camping trip with his family. The video explains how his mother randomly searched for 'blue monkey' three years later and managed, somehow, to discover what appeared to be Ah-Ah. She had it shipped to her and her husband taped their son's reaction to rediscovering something so precious.

I dare you not to cry.

This video reminded me of something I chose to do earlier than most - introduce a lovey - to my infants. As soon as N and B could reach and grasp something they were laid to rest with something to help comfort them in times of need.

N's lovey is named Blue. A bunny of small stature, Blue's a little more brown than blue these days, but he's oh so special to my son. I once searched all over the place for a second Blue (in similar fashion to the mom's story in the video) but I never did find an exact replica. I did overspend on what I thought was a replacement, but sadly N knew it wasn't Blue, so Donny became another 'friend' to sleep with, but not a replacement.

B's lovey is named Ya-Ya. We had initially called her Lolly, a tribute to my favourite lovey growing up. My dear neighbour and long-time family friend bought Ya-Ya for B when she was born simply because it reminded her of my Lolly doll. My neighbour was also so amazing that once she knew B loved her Ya-Ya, she purchased a SECOND one for me. I rotate them out regularly, the second Ya-Ya stays hidden in her closet in case of emergency. Such a great lesson learned the second child around!

Lovies are a quintessential part of childhood, and in our house a part of infancy as well. I know all the warnings and stories about removing toys from infant sleeping areas, but seriously, once a baby can lift its head and hold something, how nice to offer them an instant support tool when they wake up for a midnight feeding or early in the morning.

Here's a photo of B with Ya-Ya and N with Blue.

A photo from our spring 2012 vacation - B doesn't use a soother anymore but Ya-Ya and Blue remain!


Just one more small joy in parenting. Lovely lovies.



Thursday, August 16, 2012

Hummingbird makes three, children that is.

It's been an interesting summer.

Apart from my day-to-day life being home with my kids, I've been formalizing my skills into a little business, something more catchy than "I can help" and something less formal than advertisements and networking events.

It all began one night when I explained to my husband that I wanted (and needed) business cards, but that I didn't want to have my gmail address on them. It seemed borderline cheesy to me. "You need to own a URL in order to have a legitimate email address." Huh. A web site? I wasn't really planning to 'go there' just yet, but as with most things in life, a business card became a slippery slope....

I spent weeks agonizing over a name for my business. Having arbitrarily called it PI Creative Solutions, primarily for the purposes of invoicing, I wasn't particularly keen on continuing with such a, well, boring name. I looked to my friends and family for support, but I knew something was still missing.

In my weeks of brainstorming, I dragged a local graphic design artist through the process with me. Poor girl, I must have driven her crazy with my ad-hoc ideas and thoughts, but as yet I had no brand to guide me. After the first few drafts, I felt the need to ask for a hummingbird graphic. A little lost, that poor hummingbird was, until I realized that what my heart was really saying was already in front of me. I'd name the business after my spirit animal, the little bird with the amazing powers. Thus, Hummingbird Communications was born.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention why the hummingbird is so important in my life. I've always loved those little birds, I grew up hoping to see them fly nearby and wondered how they got so lucky to drink sugary water all day. As an adult, a few years ago, I saw a psychic who spoke about spirit guides, animals who help guide us through our day. She explained that the hummingbird was very much a part of my life and that my own personality was very similar. She told me to remember that just like the hummingbird, I also possessed special skills and abilities that were unique to others around me. That just like the hummingbird, which could fly both forwards and backwards, I too was capable of doing things that others could not, and needed to embrace my skills and believe in myself.

I was told to keep a hummingbird nearby, as it would remind me of my talents and keep me focused. The very next week I was at a local craft show and saw a little stained glass green and pink hummingbird. I promptly purchased the little piece of art and brought it home. She's currently hanging out in my laundry room, one of my 'thinking spots' and likely one of the only places in the house no-one looks for me.

Today I ran into a friend of mine who I met through Leadership Niagara last year. I just knew we were meant to meet, but today she really confirmed that for me. We ran into each other through the St. Catharines Early Years program, which toured the local #6 fire hall this morning. We had no idea the other would be there, but the moment she saw me she said she had something for me. She gave me a little square of text, one she'd been keeping in her purse and recently found. It said:

From Jess, the perfect reminder. Thank you.

"Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying out our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation."

Goosebumps yet?

I'm so proud to share my newest, youngest child, with each of you: http://hummingbirdcommunications.ca/

P

PS: Thanks to my incredible husband for believing in my instincts, deciphering html code and most of all for keeping me company late at night when I'm working. Here's hoping my little hummingbird business cards and web site lead to plenty of projects, more late nights and the ability to celebrate every day at home with my kids.







Monday, July 9, 2012

Four life lessons learned from my four year old.

Tomorrow marks a special occasion - my son Nolan's fourth birthday. I'm really struggling with this one, it seems like only yesterday he was my 'little babah', swaddled in my arms, snuggling on my chest. Here we are now, a mere two months away from his first day of junior kindergarten. Seriously, where has the time gone?

Life with Nolan has been nothing short of a roller coaster. From a calm baby to a rambuncious toddler, on to a stubborn preschooler and now, well, I'd suggest he's become quite the negotiator these days. Every question begs for an explanation as to why he should be allowed to (fill-in-the-blank here). He's an eager communicator, chatterbox some say, unless of course his favorite show is on TV. That's about our only quiet time these days :)

As I look back on the last four years, I'd like to think I've taught Nolan a trick or two. How to drink from straw, wash his hands and make his bed. How to ask for help, use his manners and give really great hugs. Funny thing is, as I reflect I realize he's taught me some valuable lessons, too. In honour of his fourth, here's a list of the top four things he's taught me:

Number four:

Cutest. Costume. Ever.
It's fun to play dress-up once in awhile! Nolan is such a free spirit, he often surprises Jay and I by walking into the family room dressed in his giraffe Halloween costume. It's hilarious and he knows it, often leaving our entire family in happy tears on the floor. Just yesterday he received a fantastic knit firefighter hat... he's had it on ever since, even in the summer heat! It didn't matter to him that he looked different, or that it was funny, he was just happy being himself.

Yup, McDonalds. His favorite place. In his new hat.
What a cool kid and a cool idea. I bet on those crappy, cranky days we'd have much better luck making ourselves smile if we wore an ugly tie (I found a few doozies in Jay's wardrobe pre-dating our marriage), a retro coat (think circa 1993 surf-sytle hypercolour popovers) or perhaps just donned a ridiculous goofy hat with ears before paying the bills. Laughter is the best family medicine, thanks to Nolan's lead I'm going to try this more often.

Number three:
Little things mean more! What surprises me most about Nolan is his uncanny ability to appreciate life's little things. It's a bird digging for worms, an airplane's loud engine off in the distance sky, the way he lights up when his sister shares her snack and most of all the way a siren of any kind, at any pitch, can send him screaming 'did you hear that!' wherever we go.

Absolutely nuts for sirens, at his first parade.
Why is it that as adults we lose our ability to appreciate such simple gifts? My mom always says, 'little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.' The beauty is that little kids also appreciate all the little joys around them. Everything is a new adventure, every day an exciting new challenge.  My goal is to stop and enjoy these little gifts WITH him, double the joy and fun.

Number two:
Eat your veggies - raw! I've never seen a child eat raw veggies quite like my son. Every colour, shape and size, it doesn't really matter to him. He DEVOURS them. Enjoys every mouthful. Sometimes I swear I can see the vitamins and minerals nourishing his already-healthy complexion even more. I've never been a huge raw veggie eater, however seeing him eat such a naturally healthy, wholesome food reminds me that I can do a better job myself. In this case my son is modelling the way for me.

Plate loaded with veggies at his party!

and the number one thing Nolan has taught me is...

There are a million ways to tell someone you love them! Forget a million, it's likely at a zillion by now. Nolan tells me every day, in every way, that I am loved. From the moment he runs into my room each morning to hug me I know that our love is both deep-rooted and mutal. He holds my hand, cuddles in my lap, begs for me to read him stories and calls for me the moment he's hurt. He shares his accomplishments, demonstrates his new skills and belts out top 40 hits every morning at breakfast while we laugh and dance.

A few weeks ago at bedtime we snuggled into his bed and talked about 'big boy school'. I was telling him how much he was going to love it, how he'd learn so many new things and meet new friends in his class. I told him how proud I was of him, but that I was going to miss him. At that moment he rested his hand on my head, looked me square in the eyes and said, 'I'll still love you when I go to big boy school mama." Talk about love. What a kid.

Happy 4th birthday to my not-so-little Babah, my Noly, my handsome, empathetic son Nolan. Mommy loves you more than you could ever imagine possible.
xo

Saturday, June 16, 2012

And in a flash, she turns two.

Today we had a 'pretend birthday' party for our youngest, precious little girl Brooklyn. Pretend because her official birthday is a few days away, real in every other sense of the word. Seeing her so happy to be surrounded by her family and friends, opening gifts and looking at her Dora cake got me thinking about how far she's come....

The summer before I got pregnant, I went on my first trip to NYC. Sitting atop the classic red, double-decker bus sightseeing around the city I began to notice the signage everywhere - Brooklyn. I remember pulling out my phone, considering the cost of messaging my husband and deciding it was worth it. "If we have a daughter, we should call her Brooklyn" I had said, I just thought the name was so beautiful.

That fall we were fortunate to conceive. Fast forward to the 20 week mark, we found out we were having a  girl. Elated, the name game began. We both agreed to not share our short list with family or friends, we knew how opinionated others could be so we essentially left it up to our son Nolan to figure it out. We spent weeks asking him to say "Abby", as I'd always envisioned a daughter named Abigail. After about six weeks we felt like it was getting old, instead opting to hear him say "B".

Before we knew it, my husband Jay had nicknamed the baby "Dodger" (get it?) and we spent the last trimester of my pregnancy secretly laughing every time someone said we must have chosen Abigail. We knew she'd be a Brooklyn, without a doubt.

The day she came into this world, my heart skipped a beat. Many parents of one child worry that they couldn't possibly 'have room' to love another. Quite honestly, the moment I laid eyes on her my love grew tenfold and my life changed forever.

Brooklyn was a very fussy baby. I remember the first night she was born barely sleeping because she was crying and seemed uncomfortable. I remember thinking, I don't recall Nolan being this way, in fact I think I had to set my phone alarm to wake myself up to feed him. Not the case with my little princess. Little did I know she was going to be a bigger handful than I imagined!

Brooklyn Amelia Isaak. Ten days old, taken by her very talented Nanna 'Fire Truck.'


I took a trip down memory lane this week (thanks facebook timeline) and found these old status updates, they basically tell the story:

"Wonders if you've found my patience? I lost it, can't seem to find it... hmm..." - August 2010

"Colicky baby makes Pam go something something... crazy? Don't mind if I do... "- September 2010

"Is totally and utterly exhausted. Done. Well done. Overcooked." - September 2010

"Endured two hours of steady screaming until Brooklyn's first two teeth broke the gum line this am... dear God help me if this happens every time!" - September 2010

"Knows Brooklyn would win the award for loudest, most deafening screams... after hearing hours I've it, I'm utterly convinced... and I'm pretty sure I've lost my ability to hear properly" - September 2010

"Would like to drop kick infant colic and immunizations in the mommy-daddy button... over and over and over again..." - October 2010

"Has enjoyed an exceptional weekend... to be topped off with an early dinner out with Jay... thanks Michelle, Joel and Addi and Sama and Grandpa too! After a weekend like this, I still don't want more kiddies, but I can definitely see the light at the end of this very long colic tunnel :) - October 2010

"Was told today by two perfect strangers that I have a smiley, happy girl. It filled my heart with such joy... we've come a LONG way in 8.5 months..." - February 2011

I walked around, Brooklyn spawled across my forearm, for the first five months of her life. It was insanity. Complete insanity. I spent most days crying, most nights angry with her and most weekends fending off requests to 'get back to normal and get out of the house' because mentally and spiritually I was drained to the point of exhaustion. I felt robbed, I rarely enjoyed her company and lacked the bond I easily established with her brother.

Suffice to say our first year with Brooklyn was one of the most difficult, life changing events to date in my life. I worry more. I sleep less soundly. I panic over things I never cared about previously. Colic has a funny way of changing a person, it's definitely not just something you 'get over'.

Fast forward again and we're celebrating her second birthday. A Dora-themed bash, it was simple yet incredibly enjoyable. She was very delighted by her cake, and even more so by her new gifts.

Here's a picture of Jay, Brookie and I after singing Happy Birthday. I promise she was happier than in this photo!


Now a smart, hilarious two year old, Brooklyn is nothing like her former infant self. She is a confident risk-taker, and a naturally caring and nurturing little girl. Her smile in infectious, her laughter is like sunshine and her hugs, oh her hugs will melt your heart. She completed my life in a way I never thought possible, allowing Jay and I to confidently call ourselves a family.

She's often my shadow, calls out for me at least a thousand times a day and shares with me the very same bond I share with my almost four year old son. My, how times have changed.

I really couldn't be more fortunate. I really couldn't be more in love.

Happy Birthday baby girl, daddy's little 'munchie'. Mama loves you very much.
xo







PS: As an afterthought, this article really spoke to me in the midst of Brookie's colic. A worthwhile article for everyone who ever dealt with colic “Our Son Got over Colic, We Haven’t: The real damage in dealing with a crying baby” http://www.babble.com/baby/baby-health-safety/colic-dealing-with-crying-baby-harm-to-parents/ A copy of this article is safely tucked away in Brooklyn's memory box, although I hope she never needs to read or sympathize with it.

Friday, May 18, 2012

If we all did just did a little...

This week I was a bit of a nut-case... just ask my husband.

The second annual Niagara Nutrition Partners Breakfast Gala was on Thursday, an event that drew over 230 guests, nine high school culinary programs and raised over $17,000 and counting.

Amazing right. I agree.

In my former position at PenFinancial, community relations was part of my job, hence the reason I initially got involved. It was an easy fit for me as I love what they do for over 13,000 children daily around Niagara. The government funds a measly 15% of any student nutrition program (breakfast, snack, lunch) therefore it's up to NNP and the schools themselves to apply for grants and fundraise the remaining dollars. No small task given there's almost 150 Niagara schools alone running programs.

My skill set in marketing, communications, PR and event planning were useful in this setting, and I was happy to oblige. A problem arose, however, once I left the Credit Union to be home with my kiddies. My time was stretched to the max, with less opportunity (and still other commitments) to fill it with. I barely made it out alive this week, and while I am uber proud of our event, I've been left with a few thoughts to mull around this long weekend.

First, how lucky was I to have a (former) employer who believed in me and my community enough to let me spend some of my volunteer hours 'on the clock'? I never wished or desired for payment, for me it was about finding the time to get it all in. Completing this project from home was one of the most difficult tests of my time management skills to date. I wish more Niagara organizations allowed their employees to lend their time, skill and expertise to the hundreds of local not-for-profits in need.

Secondly, I have a freakin' amazing husband. The poor guy barely saw me the last two weeks, as I ran from meeting to meeting in the evening, on the phone with other Committee members and ultimately sat at my PC writing agendas, scripts, press releases and answered emails. He endured many solo bedtimes listening to my kids cry 'mama', washed many a dish more than usual and waited nearly three weeks to see the Avengers because I needed to be out of the house. His first words to me after my event ended yesterday were, 'Welcome Back.' Enough said.

Finally, what will it take to get more people involved? I am a firm and very big advocate for volunteerism, and I believe that every single person has the ability to give a little of their time.

Maybe your an esthetician. Did you know that Hospice Niagara looks for people just like you to give an hour or two of you time to their end of life patients at day hospice?

Maybe you love to walk your dog! Why not volunteer once a week at the Humane Society to give a pooch some love?

Maybe you love to drive! Meals on Wheels delivers food daily to people who can't otherwise get out for food or cook. I'm guessing this is a few hours a month commitment.

Great singer? Most seniors homes wish for entertainers to walk to their doors and agree to sing for an hour or two once a month.

Accountant or financial planner? Not for profit boards are begging for your expertise and opinion.

The list goes on and on. Everyone has something to give - their skills, expertise, passion or maybe even just their ear to listen.

And if we all did just a little... than the little wouldn't have to do alot.

Consider volunteering. Today.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Sweet Spot

I think about it every day. Every night. I send prayers of thanks. I gush to my husband.

I LOVE THIS!

Today marks the end of my third week at home with the kids. Three weeks already, I know right! I wasn't really sure what to expect being home every day - would I regret my decision? Would I wish for work and 'adult' conversation? Would I run out of things to do?

All that worry was for nothing. We're plenty busy, I am absolutely shocked however I really don't miss the day-to-day grind as I expected to and without question I do not regret my decision for one second. Not one.

Some little changes I've observed:
- the kids stay up a little later as they can nap and sleep in as they wish (this is great for Daddy, who has some additional 'bought' time with them)
- my back and neck rarely hurt. Interesting how stress always drove right into my neck and shoulder muscles. I haven't felt ANYTHING in three weeks! And that little back episode I had in January? No sign of anything like it.
- Nolan's meltdowns are fewer in duration and frequency. Thank God for this one!
- Once important tasks fall by the wayside more often, in favor of time for myself, my kids and my marriage. My desk is still a mess at home (I promise I'll clean soon honey!) yet it bothers me less than ever before.

I've also been privvy to many moments of beauty as my children interact and care for each other. Don't get me wrong, they fight like cats and dogs all day, but there is deep real love shared between them. At a photo session this morning, Brooklyn was scared of the fuzzy bunnies used as photo props. Without question Nolan stepped in, spoke to his 'princess' and told her it was ok and let's do it together. Talk about melting my heart! The photographer even quipped, "He's an amazing big brother. You've done something so right with that little guy!"

I think I've found the sweet spot. It's nestled between my two little monkeys.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

How do I ever thank you. All of you.

Well, it's official. My time has come to an end with PenFinancial. Call me a stay-at-home mom. Call me unemployed. Call me broke. Most of all, call me lucky.

Last night I was blessed and very humbled to sit around a table of my peers who came out in my honour. It was so incredible to be surrounded by such good-hearted people, the kind you hope to work with and call your friends. It was a fun night, but one particular moment stuck out the most.

As I was saying goodbye to a co-worker of mine, she told me the story of her daughter's reaction to her attending my going away party. Her daughter, nine years old, said 'Oh, Pam's retiring?' to which my co-worker said, 'No honey, she's going to stay home to take care of Nolan and Brooklyn." Her daughter replied, "They are the luckiest kids to have their mommy home with them."

Wow right. My eyes filled with tears, and so did my co-worker's. What a gentle, yet powerful reminder of how much moms and dads mean to the children they parent. I've more often considered this my personal gain for capitalizing on this special time, these early childhood years. But my co-worker's daughter reminded me that my children are also lucky to have me at their side - through the good and the bad. There is no greater cheerleader than a parent to their child.

I'm not sure I'll be able to properly give thanks to all who have made this transition a positive and uplifting experience. Considering tomorrow is the Oscars, maybe I'll attempt the ever-popular knapkin speech...

First of all, I'd like to thank God, for granting me the serenity to accept the things I could not change, the courage to change the things I could, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Secondly, I'd like to thank everyone at PenFinancial Credit Union. The laughter was infectious, the food was mostly fattening, the conversations enlightening. It truly was a great place to work. A culture entrenched in co-operative, family values which encouraged my personal growth, supported flexibility to raise my family and ultimately empowered me make a positive impact in Niagara.

I'd also like to thank my mentor, she knows who she is, for being an incredible women - at once powerful and caring, kind and incredibly hard-working. Your unwaivering support and friendship were never taken for granted. For all you did, thank you. Much love.

To my family and friends - for the retirement cake and bonbons, the laughter, flowers and supportive conversations. Your strength brought me closer to my ultimate goal. You knew before I did that I needed to step away from my career, yet you never 'took sides.'  Instead you let me work through it, listening always and never judging. More than ever I can say with great certainty - family is everything.

To my husband - I quit. Sorry, are you just hearing this now? No really, I've never felt more loved or supported than today. You have no idea how it makes me feel to hear the words 'I am so proud of you for doing this" - and you've said in numerous times in the last few weeks. Love love love. And then some.

Finally, to my kids - Mommy is so very excited. You may not see your friends from school for a long while, but I can promise you many more days of fun, of laughter, and of cuddles. When you are sick - you'll rest in your own bed. When you are hot - we'll jump in our pool together. When you are hungry - we'll find a snack in the cupboard. When you are sad - my arms will wrap around you tightly, and you will know then and forever that nothing cannot be mended in the arms of Mama. xo

So there you have it. Sure wish I had the dress to go with it :)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

The new 'normal'

This was a rough week in the Isaak house. Brooklyn got sick Tuesday morning, prompting me stay home from work and care for her, a task with it's perks (let's be honest, the cuddles rock) but inevitably... laundry! After spending most of the day cleaning, bathing, laundering and attempting to feed Miss Sickie, the rest of the family came home. On with dinner, dishes, more laundry, more bathing and ultimately, bedtime. While this isn't an unusual situation for me, I've been battling a back issue which has left me with horrible lower back pain.

When I finally had the chance to sit down, around 8:30pm, I said to my husband, "I just want things to get back to normal." He laughed. "Pam, this is our normal," he said, much to my shegrin. I stewed over that comment for a few minutes, but eventually lost myself in the laughter of terrible American Idol auditions and forgot all about it.

Until 3am. I woke up in intense pain - my back has been giving me major issues this week. As I laid in bed, waiting for the advil to take effect and with an ice pack wedged between my lower back and the mattress, it hit me. He was right (don't tell him I said that). THIS IS OUR NEW NORMAL.

When was the last time I slept the night? Like really closed my eyes at bedtime and never opened them again until the alarm clock went off. I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.

When was the last time I wasn't scrambling to take care of a sick child? We did have a quiet streak around the holidays (thank goodness). SOMEONE IS ALWAYS SICK IN MY HOUSE.

When was the last time I took care of myself first? Ha! This is humorous. Mama's never go first, it's silly to think any mother would ever put their needs in front of their children's. Not happening. NO WAY.

When was the last time I sat down and relaxed after work, or anytime before 8:30pm? Between meals, dishes, laundry, dogs and the like, the list of 'to-dos' is always longer than the time I have left each night after work.

It took my until now - 11:15am Saturday morning - to write this post. After spending the night cleaning up vomit and managing a high fever, I just tucked Nolan back into bed to (hopefully) sleep off some of these germs.

Huh. Four days late. MUST BE THE NEW NORMAL.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Transformational Change. And Leadership Niagara.

On Friday I attended another day-long learning session as a participant in the Leadership Niagara Program. I highly recommend the program, excellent for any mid-level leaders looking to gain valuable skills, an extended professional network, and ultimately engage the Niagara community in change.

This month's session was about change leadership and the change cycle.
How appropriate.

I am familiar with the change cycle, but this session really highlighted for me exactly what happened in my decision to step back from my career. Let's look at the stages:

STAGE 1 IS DENIAL. Oh yah. I didn't even realize I was there. I thought my unhappiness was simply a bump in the road. When my son was sick for two months, I chalked it up to my instinct as a mother to be home with my child. I kept telling myself it would pass. Once he got better I briefly questioned whether it was my job that was making my unhappy. I attempted to negociate a drop to part-time work, however it just wasn't meant to be. I spent nearly 6 months in this stage of the change cycle - absolutely in denial of my true feelings and desires.

STAGE 2 IS BETRAYAL. Ah yes. This was the part where I berated myself for even considering the idea of being home with my kids. I told myself I was crazy, that there was no way our family could live on one income. That my skills would date, that I'd never be able to go back to work. And yet during this time I still said to a co-worker (who told me after the announcement was made that I was leaving, I didn't even realize I had said this) that "my greatest wish would be to stay home with my kids." Wow.

3. SELF-DOUBT. Welcome to where I am now. I'm feeling the classic list of symptoms including fear, insecurity and loneliness. It's a bizzare state to be in as I've always considered myself pretty confident in my choices, and in myself (even if I had to 'fake it until you make it'). My feelings have resulted in lots of stress (see previous post below) and I don't even know myself anymore. Very difficult place to be, and I am very thankful that my family and friends continue to be support of me and our family decision.

Next up, provided I make it out of my self-doubt stage, lol, is STEP 4 BEHAVIOR CHANGE. It will be the time where I begin to change my habits, garner some new experience and feel a sense of success in the belief that I made the right change. Heavy stuff. Likely not until I am done work in a couple of months. Let's hope I make it here!

What really stood out to me at this month's session was the idea of transformational change. It's the kind of change where you don't even know you are going. The kind where you know the world as you know it isn't going to be the same, but you really can't suggest the final outcome.

Transformational change "calls for a new level of fearlessness, of innovation and collaboration."
AMEN.

Stress? I'm not stressed!

I really thought I was handling this transition quite well. Stress is not a word I would use to describe how I've been feeling. Cranky. Low on patience. Tired. Those would be more accurate.Then Jay asked me this week - are you stressed? Huh, I thought. Am I missing something here? The twitching in my eye. My weak lower back. My sudden weight gain. DUH. I am SOO stressed. How did I let it creep up so far on me?

As always, I was so caught up in my worry that I didn't realize it was now expressing itself in a very physical way. Recent worries include what to get my little nephew for his first birthday (IN MARCH), booking our rental car for Florida (IN MARCH) and... wait for it... where we should go while in Orlando (CLEARLY IN MARCH).

Money. Ah. The root of all evil. I've been sub-conciously worrying about the pending loss of my income by trying to plan ahead for expenses now. Good idea. Not so easy when we've just spent $1400 on fixing both our vehicles in the last two weeks. Oh and our stove died a week before Christmas.

Lesson learned. Let the penny pinching begin.

Is this where my New Year's resolution fits in? LET THE WORRIES GO.