Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Circling back to help others

We are all worthy, she said.
You are very welcome to be here, she said.
You are so grounded and have it all together, she said.

It's interesting how the outside can look so different from the inside, I think to myself.

Outside, check.
Inside, not so much.

I've been very triggered lately. I am still battling bad dreams and flashbacks of Brooklyn's time in treatment. I am struggling so fiercely, I find it hard to ground myself. There have been many time outs lately for deep breathing exercises, and many many tears in the quiet moments alone.

I toss and turn at night.
I am worrying again.
I am so tired.

Yet life is still so good, and I know it.
This phase in my healing journey isn't going away, but it's not overtaking my gratitude for each day.

I just find myself stuck, or perhaps with another open wound.

I saw all Brookie went through.
I see how her journey still affects her and the boys.
Jay and I talk about the pain we still feel, in moments we didn't realize we were even feeling it.

Yet I can't release myself from this feeling of guilt.
Survivor guilt for my daughter who lives?
For the best diagnosis?
Two and a half years of NED results?
I'm not even sure.

And why?
I don't even know.

All I do know is that this guilt is still better to feel than the horror of relapse, or worse the pain of living on earth without her.

And so I circle back.
Ground in gratitude.
Feel more determined than ever to help other families on the childhood cancer journey.

_

Ontario Parents Advocating for Children with Cancer (OPACC) is currently accepting donations in support of a new mom retreat planned for next February. This weekend away will help moms de-stress, relax and rejuvenate in order to best support their child in treatment.

If you are capable of making a donation, I can promise you it will make a difference. Visit www.opacc.org/donate, select the OPACC Hamilton group parent retreat and donate whatever you can.

xo

#childhoodcancer #opacc #momretreats