Adjusting to Anxiety

This week I visited my local early years centre with Ethan. It's one of his favourite places to play, run around and engage in some classic circle time.

This time it was stressful.
Anxiety overload.

You see, Ethan has a dairy allergy.
Children were running around with cream cheese bagels in one hand, and a ball in the other. Milk cups were bouncing off the gym floor and goldfish became a fun snack to eat at circle time.

I could feel my body temperature rise.
My heart flutter.
My ego voice began screaming to take control of the situation.

Thankfully, Ethan is not anaphylactic.
He will vomit, acquire skin rashes and go TOTALLY INSANE for 48 hours if he ingests dairy, but to date he hasn't needed his epi-pen (knock on wood).

I acknowledge that other parents are not responsible for keeping my child safe. The other caregivers had no idea Ethan has a dairy allergy, and they should not be asked to refrain from bringing dairy products into the centre. (side note: can we bring back the snack table mentality? Hold snack time sacred? It is a great line of defence for allergic kiddos.)

The part that threw me off was that I couldn't 'check' myself.
I couldn't tell if I was reacting appropriately, or if anxiety was leading judgement.

My brain is still very tired.
My body still aches all over.

I've heard other cancer families call this 'adrenal fatigue' or 'adjustment disorder'. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but it sucks. In some ways, being 'in treatment' was easier (I use this term lightly), as there was nothing to do but breathe and focus on the now.

As we step into the next phase of Brooklyn's journey, we are faced with worries about relapses, nerve damage and the awful, all too frequent nightmares both Jay and I have been living with.

This week has been a struggle for me <3
I promise to focus on gratitude and love in the week ahead.