this is alex. this is healing.

This was alex.
Not capital A-lex, this guy only deserved little a-lex.
This was Brooklyn's tumour, which she named in therapy over the last 18 months.

On January 19th, 2016 this image was taken by CAT scan. It took two attempts, the second time she had to be sedated to obtain this photo, as her first experience was an absolute horror show of screaming, crying and terror. It absolutely traumatized us both.

alex was about the size of an adult fist, located in her abdomen. This was the reason for her pain and fatigue. This was the guy causing her to feel rotten.

This was her childhood cancer.
This is what a 'lucky' case of neuroblastoma looks like.
She. Was. So. Lucky.

All September long, as I wake up to flashbacks of her time at the hospital, as I remember minute details of the night post-surgery when she nearly went septic, I still hear the words, 'your child has cancer'.

I am healing.
Perhaps forever I am healing.

I know we still have six months until her next MRI.
Six months more, her first year between scans.
A milestone year.

Because she is ok. Because her rate of relapse is very low.
Because she kicked alex's butt and told him never to return.

As new layers of our journey continue to unravel, I am determined to endure them with gratitude.

I will answer Ethan's concerns, 'do all middle kids get cancer?', by reminding him that he is healthy and shouldn't expect to be diagnosed just because he is now five, like she was then.

I will smile through tears when Brookie posts hospital photos on her wall, as she is finding some comfort in, or perhaps acknowledgement of her journey by viewing herself as a child who used to have cancer.

I will hold my husband tightly when we both cry, worried about relapse or remembering what complete despair we felt then and how desperately we want to forget it ever happened.

We are still healing.
But I am grateful for every. single. day.

Perhaps this is the beauty of trauma. It brings forth a light, a positive vision of life which leaves trauma warriors determined to see even the worst days as brilliant, gifted and full of beauty. There is no other way.

#ccam #gogold #childhoodcancer #cancersurvivor